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Monthly Archives: July 2011

Week 10….Day 5….Body:1……..Me:0

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According to my trusty television, for $229, I can jump on a really unreliable airline, and fly myself to Tokyo. Whilst this is very tempting, and something I considered for 3 seconds, I have decided to not go with my impulsive instinct, and instead remain here to live out the rest of my holiday in untidy town. And ‘holiday’ is such a subjective term anyway…….one person’s holiday, is another person’s boot camp……….

Sooooooooo, on today’s holiday, I think I may demand my money back, and sue the travel agent. Not to mention the cleaning ladies who did a very crap job, and deserve their pays deducted…….geez, if you want things done properly, do it yourself….or not…

Right, now to be completely honest, today is not going to be winning ‘day of the year’, and I only have myself to blame for this. Not exercising discretion at ridiculous hours of the morning, have resulted in not being in bed at rejuvenating hours (which is extremely crucial when you have 2 weeks left in your 30’s…), and not making the most of the 20 minutes you’re up anyway (major over exaggeration alert….). So I guess today is one EXTREMELY lazy Sunday that will not be leaving some amazing inspirational footprint after all…..sigh…..

Although………….I am reminded again today of one very important lesson……..”the body ALWAYS wins”.  I don’t care what anyone says, if you have a body (and I’m assuming anyone reading this does, unless they are just a brain with eyes on a stick….and then that’s just really weird, and I would probably prefer you don’t read this…), it will win any battle you attempt to go into with it. And, if you’re the skeptical type, and need examples, you have come to the right place!!!

*If you indulge all of your gastronomical fantasies too often, you WILL end up with more body than you probably need or want. Basically, there will just be more of you to be discontent, not to mention increased food bill which does not suit those of us trying to live like monks…..

*Withholding water WILL make your kidneys really pissed off, and skin a little parched. Oh, and perhaps a tad thirsty….. Not sure why I’ve always felt like this law didn’t apply to me, but after nearly 40 years on the planet, I think I’m starting to understand the relevance of this item to our daily survival. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t believe it’s going to solve the world’s problems (refer previous post……how cool, a post referral…….), but sometimes that chalky taste sensation following an evening of salt seasoned with… salt, mixed with dehydrating liquids such as caffeine, (or alcohol even……just something I’ve read about….), can really make you fall in love with this tasteless matter, until your eyes suddenly refocus on it’s more tasty rivals…….hello juice, coffee……A dehydrated body is very sad……..and will make sure you know all about it…..

*It has a memory akin to that of your average elephant, and will punish accordingly. You may think you got away with a week’s/month’s/year’s (depending on your age of course), worth of neglecting the demanding beast, but think again. When you’re least expecting it, welcome to your worst physical nightmare. So what if your gut is exploding with every breath, head pounding in time to the latest hip hop tracks, skin erupting into miniature volcanic monstrosities, or energy levels disintegrating to cadaver status, at least you got to dance to your favourite tunes…………..

*It loves to share and receive bugs that make you covet the whole brain on a stick idea after all. Not dismissing the kind sharing gig, but why does it have to be heinous little creatures that cause bodily parts to revolt against themselves, provoke social isolation, and wish you were asphyxiating on deep fried butter, that choose to spread the love????  Just mean I guess……..

*It’s really precious about the whole sleeping caper. Deny it this little activity, and watch mr grumpy emerge, alongside mr delayed brain function. That’s right, a few hours of slumber deprivation, and your little body will repay you with sluggishness, stupidity and a mean streak. Temperamental piece of work really. If only there was an alternative…..

Right, to sum up, I have inevitably abused a certain body (wishes to remain anonymous), over the last weekend/week (who cares about details???), and am now suffering some really mean consequences (I’m sure that Newton guy has accounted for this in one of his smart physics laws somewhere……). I will accept my fate and pretend it’s some vindictive bug that just likes to see me suffer, because for all my faults, I am also fantastic at denial…..oh wait……..I guess this could also be deemed a fault?????

So, am hoping to YET AGAIN get back on track this week since I am really running out of time now……….Oh.dear. Not sure what the track is at this stage, but I’m thinking it’s quite possibly not the one I’ve been skipping down this week……if my body’s really frickn annoying loud voice is anything to go by…….Perhaps I just need better earplugs and a new improved version of denial??? Just kidding of course………………bring on the new and improved week!!!!!

Fi

When your body says "suffer in your jocks"..........

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Week 10…..Day 4……Exercising is fun…….and other myths………

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Untrue facts………..what an oxymoron!!!! (just like fun job, gracefully aging, and delicious margarine….). Unfortunately, it appears that these pieces of literary irony are everywhere, and something that one must contend with on a daily basis (surely we could have been forewarned of this at birth, and provided with the appropriate armor, preferably not just in pink or blue either…). Deciphering between what is true, and what is not, really is a full time job as a human being, and sometimes makes you just want to lie down on a giant fluffy cloud, sipping away on hangover free margaritas, getting merrily lost in all the fun ways algebra has enhanced your life….

I guess this whole fact/fiction caper has turned out to be today’s enthralling topic, and one that I tend to think about probably more than my little brain can handle. Obviously some things in life are rather subjective, and therefore bypass being put into either category, not to mention that whole perception angle I sooo nicely covered in a previous post, and could even quote myself to give it some really legitimate street cred. It’s quite a pity I can’t be bothered then really…….

Since I have now developed a love affair with lists, I will once again present my ideas in this very seductive format. What’s not to love…..

Untrue fact:”Back in 5 minutes” signs. These inscriptions of promise dangling in shop windows are not only untrue, but very cruel. Not sure how toilet breaks, or any other activities being attended to, can be perfectly timed to 5mins…..well actually, they can’t! Waiting patiently for those 300 seconds to tick by, only to be left bitterly disappointed when the nervous wait to enter store dedicated to all your calculator needs, is extended. Oh the disenchantment…….

Untrue fact:Drink more water. Why is this the solution to any given health problem or weight issue? Are you tired of that pesky lung collapsing?….drink more water. Do your hips keep dislocating every time you attempt the moonwalk?….drink more water. Are you struggling to lose those last few pounds despite your daily buffet lunches?….drink more water. Does your bum look big in that leopard lycra mini?….drink more water. Are you dehydrated?…drink more water. Ok, perhaps the last one has some validity, but pick up any magazine/newspaper geared towards the gullible female (and males, not discriminating..), who apparently wants to emulate everyone else’s body, but her own, and you will be instructed to drink more water than your cells know what to do with. Surely if water was this magical, we  would finally witness the extinction of doctors and gyms everywhere??? Pity it also tastes like………

Untrue fact:Checkout chicks/dudes really care about how you are, and whether your day was a hoot. Devastating to learn I know. And quite hard to fathom really. Why wouldn’t aforementioned creatures not be completely absorbed in your ‘quite a slow start to day really, what with my creaky knees and sore foot, but a nice cuppa always gets me going, and then it was off to visit doctor, you know he’s a lovely chap, and he thinks my heart medicine is probably what’s making my tummy upset in the evenings, so might have to take it with a nice bickie around mid morning I think, and put lunch off till 1 instead’. I’m starting to wonder if they even care about us at all………

Untrue fact:Public transport timetables are reliable and not created to test the patience of human beings. Let’s face it, these are obviously created by people that don’t own clocks, are not fussed on accuracy, and enjoy knowing that at any given moment, there is someone running, cursing, crying, kicking things, screaming, losing job, and venting to anyone in earshot about their daily misery. Having the reliability of a blindfolded eyewitness, these objects of frustration should really be renamed ‘transport ballparks’.

Untrue fact:Every fashion option is available to every human being. Not only is this extremely untrue, but should really be considered a punishable crime. Adorning one’s self in clothing that slices you in half, contorts organs into new shapes, relocates body parts, and clashes emphatically with your sallow skin, because it’s suddenly in vogue to wear plastic wrap offset with rhinestone hemming, is really not benefiting anyone on the planet. Sometimes, one’s own body shape really should be considered when reaching for that item that may or may not highlight your 2 metre neck. Plenty of other options……and a lesson in kindness…

Untrue fact:Getting older is a good thing and should be embraced. IT IS NOT………..

I could probably write a whole thesis on this topic alone, but due to lack of interest, I shall terminate this discussion here, because there are far more interesting things to do on a Saturday night. Not the least fretting over the fact that I am indeed quite fearful of countdowns, and cannot believe it has taken me almost 11 weeks to recall this particular phobia. The anticipation of a set date/day ensures my mind will then entertain all the possible things that could go wrong, and the many ways I could be disappointed. Yikes, what have I gotten myself into here??? Perhaps I will wake up on the fateful day and implode??? But this can’t happen of course…because who will look after my little tuna fishies…………

Fi

Week 10…….Day 3…….A continuation of more rubbish……it’s your lucky day….

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What a dude/dudette...................

Right! I like to be a person of my word, so will happily provide a follow up of yesterday’s promise of inspiration…….(please send adoring accolades to my private address…….gets embarrassing otherwise…..). Soooooooo, if my aging memory serves me right (and hasn’t gone into cahoots with other body parts to turn against me……), I vowed to continue on a path of all that is inspiring…..and gives one that warm fuzzy feeling about being alive…..Here’s to living, and smarty pants people who make you glad you are……..

So instead of focussing on all the fabulous inventions that these smarty people have come up with………what about those that just inspire because they don’t subscribe to the mass populous, just because it’s easier??…….Or because they may like to think for themselves and actually use mr brain????…….Surely there’s a whole reality tv show and/or channel dedicated to this alone??? Although, if current trends are anything to go by…..perhaps not……..

Beyond all the fantastic inventions I have partially mentioned in previous post (quite possibly as interesting as this one……), I have been quite enamored with the qualities in various human beings that make you glad you weren’t born into the arachnid family after all…..(not that 8 legs, fangs, poisonous love bites, and being offensive to most humans isn’t desirable………). The homo sapien species for all it’s faults, can offer some great stuff (besides the invention of talking wall plaques, phone services that lead to nervous breakdowns, and dressing rooms that provide enough stimulus for self hatred everywhere…….). Let’s focus on the good…….

So following on from what’s inspirational………..besides the fantastic inventions, what about some fantastic qualities???…….I feel another list coming on……..

*Autonomous thinkers. Anyone who has not had their brain extracted, squished, exposed to all manner of societal crap, yet lived to not subscribe to such foolishness, gets my vote. Which also provides a great platform for my favourite quote (and I do so love quotes….)…..”Just because a million people do a stupid thing, doesn’t make it any less stupid”.  I have no idea who spoke such wise words, but in the interim, and purely for the simplicity factor, let’s just call them Fi…….I don’t care if the original author of this piece of wisdom was 300 years old, I think we could have been soul mates…….

*Humility. What’s not to love about someone who knows their rightful place on the earth, and doesn’t take over? Nobody is exempt from being brought down a few million pegs, so why even try and be something you’re not??? Surely this only sets you up for a complete humiliating failure at some point?? (unless this just happens to me??……..will have to check horoscopes on this one……). Whatever the case, arrogance is up their with tuna……….horrible when you see it coming, and even worse when you have to spend time with it………

*Self improvers. I’m guessing nobody on the planet is completely happy with themselves (unless they’re a fantastic liar, deceived, have low expectations, pathetic, or arrogant, which you can refer to above……..). Soooooo, those adorable humans that have accepted this fate, and decided to try and do something about it, win my vote. Surely if it was your beloved shitty car or vacuum cleaner (perhaps bad example..), that decided it did not wish to function at required capacity, we would all do something to rectify situation??? Why is it ok for my electrical appliances to just lay down in a heap and admit defeat, and not me???? If only I could grow a really long cord and high pitched (pain in the ass) sound…..(nothing’s impossible if I follow my dreams I guess…..).

*Humans who do the jobs the rest of us would prefer to stir fry our own toes…….. than do……..How wonderful that there is someone who enjoys cleaning up after 20,000 gallons of vindaloo, beer, lentils, and cheese platters from the 3000 lactose intolerant, in all manner of public evacuation amenities……….Why are they not receiving awards as we speak? Not to mention those societal members that were smart enough to not only enter some doctor status, but then specialise in all the extra fun parts of the anatomy……..because who wouldn’t want to stare at orifices all day long???????? There’s something for everyone!!!!

*Kind people. It doesn’t hurt to display this most endearing quality. And surely it isn’t that difficult!! I think kindness might be a bit lovely really. Who doesn’t want to be confronted with this on a daily basis? (Ok, excluding Charles Manson and Hitler……).

If this was yet another boring university assignment, I guess I would have to now sum this piece of literary wonderment up, and perhaps go back and pad out uninteresting/off the topic facts with deceptive padding……Fortunately, this is not the case, and I get to leave as is, and not care if I pass or fail………..here’s to not caring……

So, after being inspired somewhat over last 2 days by my own thoughts…..(yes, call me arrogant, and I have also invented this thing that allows one to view fellow human beings making comments about all their uneventful daily activities and food choices…I know, it will never take off…..), I have also neglected almost everything else, because multi-tasking is not my main talent. So what if toast and chocolate have once again become resident stalkers, and terry treadmill is dealing with abandonment issues?? Being inspired and lazy are taking up all my time at the moment…………take a number terry…………

Fi

Week 10…..Day 2….Inspiring the world….one cynical comment at a time…….

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“Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other”. Erma Bombeck. I think I have a new favourite person to quote. Erma (and yes, we are on a first name basis, was a journalist and humorist 1927-1996, just to help make this most educational….you’re welcome..), clearly knows her stuff. She also helps to articulate my thoughts of the day on inspiration. Why do the good ones always die so young?? Ok, perhaps she wasn’t that young….Anyway, today is all about being inspired. By more than homogenous popstars and egotistical celebrities that confuse a little bit of talent for a license to ever so poorly……guide the world. Look out………

So obviously, we all need some kind of inspiration, or to be inspired by any number of things regularly, and I don’t just mean that dangling pureed carrot, waiting for us on our 65th birthday, but wise people (I think there’s been a handful of these on the planet at various stages), and any number of inventions/ideas/philosophies etc, that make you sit back and go “perhaps other people can make my time on the planet a richer experience” (not to dismiss those that also incite a desire to be immersed in a tank of piranhas…of course…no discriminating here….). Consequently today, I have noted those things that are inspiring me to keep some faux existence happening, and those that see me lining up for my daily dose of freshwater fish action………

I can feel another list coming on……………..and today’s heading will aptly be titled “Things that inspire me”. I really need to patent this due to it’s extreme originality……..

*People who invent shit (well, actually, that depends on what it is……whoever invented fluffy dice, call centres, resort wear or canned tuna, yep he still gets a mention…are not included in this bit of adulation), that benefits the human race, and makes life either more enjoyable, easier, practical or interesting, are on the top of my christmas card list (pity I’m slack with christmas cards, and christmas altogether really….). Obviously there have been A LOT of inventions throughout the course of life, so I will just focus on a few of my favourites, and now enter into the sub listing format……yeah, reading online stuff doesn’t get much more exciting than this……

-Deep fryers. Not sure if this one needs any explanation really. Take any food (even stuff that starving shipwreck victims won’t touch), plunge it into vats of hotter than Hades, skin unfriendly oil, watch a million extra calories take up residence, devour newly defiled, but magically extra tasty morsel that has now made any lip moisturiser redundant, and tell me this invention should not be continually winning awards….Possibly the invention of an opportunistic heart surgeon, or just someone that understands the sadness that comes with boring food. Whatever the case, I appreciate the ingenuity that went into thinking up this life changing innovation.

-Music. This is in a league of it’s own. Where on earth would we be without this amazing creation? Going out dancing could get awkward…I know this much. Whilst throwing limbs around to incessant loud chatter from drunk patrons may sound fun, I’m guessing it’s no match for the joy of an endorphin releasing melody (sorry, but Lady Gaga does not fit this description…), and funky beat that converts you to Saturday Night Fever status in your own deceptive head. Let’s not also forget the joy of putting on your favourite tunes in the comfort of your own home, and pretending to be the star of your own music video (ok, that’s just weird…….). I’ve just read about this phenomenon……..Going out to see bands could also be a bit………….quiet……

-Cameras. How would we ever be able to look back in embarrassment and disgust without these little marvels? Obviously, they also serve some great purposes too……alongside providing evidence of events/hairstyles/clothing that would probably be better left….uncaptured?? Still, quite the invention, and one that ensures humans get to view their fellow inhabitants with envy OR pity, and continue to capture every event life provides……yes, that EVEN includes your breakfast menu……

– Transport. Not having to walk everywhere on the planet (because that really long journey to Paris is a killer….), has been made possible by those little geniuses that thought to put wings and wheels on things……so simple really. And roller skates are not excluded from this lot. Plummeting down gradients, is way more exciting (and quicker…), when teamed with renegade wheels that have no concern about your fear of speed and injury. I realise horses and donkeys were also a well utilised means of getting around the planet before these amazing inventions, but….then we would never have had the privilege of cranky bus drivers, exciting road rage, or taxi drivers with unprecedented gifts of finding suburbs that previously did not exist, en route to your destination…..

-Heaps of other stuff!!!……Liquid paper. If only there was a life size version of such a thing that could help erase all manner of mistakes (preferably without the clumpy give away though..). Earplugs. Too many uses really. Bad music, annoying person, work meeting, shy earwax….Sunglasses. Not only do you get to emulate celebrity status (or aging male rock star..), but protect delicate little eyes from the mean sun, and look chic all at once. Popcorn. Lots of volume. Not many calories (unless doused in butter factory….yep, much tastier…). Still delicious either way, and the only food that can see the average human being throughout an entire movie.War and Peace is not exempt from this……Hairspray. Of course your hair doesn’t want to remain in that gravity defying configuration. Too bad. This stuff will ensure you never have to put up with naturally cascading hair ever again. Too boring. Cooking utensils. Flipping eggs with overly sensitive fingers, or scooping boiling hot soup from giant pot into unreliable palms, can be quite the task. Our appendages have nothing on spatulas and ladles……..

Ok, so besides inventions, and those that invent them (those little smarty pants….) there are people who are most inspirational for other reasons…..and for the first time, I shall insert a “to be continued”. How exciting to know that tomorrow’s post will explore this topic further, and no doubt build a suspense that could perhaps incite insomnia everywhere………

Besides closing with To Be Continued, I shall also re-refer to Erma again…….”Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died”………such wise words……..

To be continued…………

Fi

Week 10….Day 1…..Breaking news: no more valentines day cards for tuna…….

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Tuna and people.....perhaps not a match made in heaven????

Nobody likes a break up. Especially when it’s public. But…. tuna and I are over. For now anyway. Who knows what might happen in the future, and whether I will be enticed back with it’s alluring fishy aroma, dry flaky texture warranting half the city’s water supply to escort it down the oesophagus, and ability to make any yummy food it hooks up with…..un-yummy……..(Stay well away from pizza, tuna!!!!!). So whilst it wasn’t the most amicable of break ups (he continues to hang out in my pantry in hope that I will again excitedly set him free from his clothing unfriendly brine, and reintroduce him to all the fun condiments that mask his true identity…), I think there will eventually be some kind of mutual acceptance, especially when he sees how much happier I am with….. salmon…..

So ok, I no longer care for this particular aquatic vertebrate (which I’m thinking now, should really just be reserved for the feline population after all…ok, and those building the monstrous muscles that ensure they can never walk without thigh abrasion injuries, whilst also losing neck in process….), but I also have many more cans of the dearly departed, and, am currently without feline companionship. I have therefore thought up some other uses, because I also do not subscribe to wastage (actually, that’s not entirely true…….). Now, I realise it’s expiry date is inevitably long after I’ve paid for, and attended my own fancy funeral, but I have considered some other uses of these cans of disappointment today, and think I’ve narrowed it down to a few choices……..

1)Bookends. I have books. I don’t have bookends. They may not be the most attractive, or practical (what with the frequent rolling off the bookshelf stunt and all….), but it sure beats eating the suckers…

2)Weights. Bicep curls here I come. So what if they only weigh 400g each. Still heavier than my glass of wine (or maybe not…).

3)Doorstops. If my un spreadable clump of butter can fill this role, then surely my trusty tins of tuna fishies can also. At least this one can also be used on a hot summer’s day.

4)Wheels. I’m sure homemade roller skates and skateboards utilise such articles on a regular basis….especially in the Darwin Award community…

5)Weapons. Whether it be launched out the window of car at those convicted of animal cruelty (would be quite ironic really…), or fending off that precocious intruder who assumes leaving your door unlocked at night is an open invitation, I’m assuming these tins of yuckiness could do a lot of damage. Even if it is just a really mean advertisement of how stuffing sea creatures and liquid into tin, can really come back to bite you….and these aren’t even the ones John West rejected. Imagine their plight????…..

6)Platforms. Anything can be elevated when you have enough tins. Need your house re-stumped? Need to view what’s actually on top of your fridge? Need to clean that moldy ceiling? (bad example, who cares about that….). Need to pretend you’re a foot taller for your own personal fantasy? I currently can do ALL of these things, and the ONLY thing that may stop me, is a fear of heights. But who knows, I may lose this fear and build my own platform to the moon…….

7)Treadmill company. Since this slack tart has yet again lost interest in walking her way to nowhere on this ugly piece of crap, perhaps the company of multiple cans of the newly dumped outcast, would be a very convenient mutual arrangement. Both are most likely on the rebound, and not discriminating when it comes to enjoyable company. I could probably start my own dating website with this kind of forward thinking……

Giraffes are nice..........

Now, I’m sure there are a hundred other uses for my now redundant tins of ‘even if I look at you I want to puke’, fish fun, but I think I’ve made a good start, and will explore these ingenious options first, before I venture into the world of building villages and nuclear weapons from them. Call it delayed gratification if you will……..Oh, and a bonus to you lucky readers…..you may never hear this word mentioned ever again…….thank me later…..

Right, so today hasn’t all been about a really bad break up. I’ve been caught off guard by those societal members that are very zealous about a cause (which I’m not dismissing by the way…….), but are not always congenial or tolerant in their approach, and can often stand in the way between you, and your supermarket. I realise this sounds completely ridiculous, but…….not being in the mood to listen, agree, debate or make up lame excuse about how I only have 24hrs to live, and am on way to say good bye to loved ones, can result in a detour to some other location, counting down the hours till aforementioned zealots have knocked off for the day. Surely doing good can’t exceed 5pm?????? Clearly not. Thank goodness they run on school hours. 3pm….hello supermarket…..

At the end of the day though, I believe there is a reason for everything. And had I not ventured to diverted destination, I would have not seen my daily horoscope in reputable newspaper, that informed me of Paris’ beckoning. Well hello, I’ve known this fact for a while now, and I guess it was just confirmed today. Of course, I will go with this particular reading today, and ignore the other ones in rival papers advising me to grow up, not take risks, and avoid travel. They are clearly the amateur astrologers who have a lot to learn about pleasing their audience……..

So today marks the start of week 10……..3 weeks left to try and cram in what I should have done over the last 9……….not feeling too confident on this one…..Perhaps I just need to adopt a new mantra, and a kind message that kept flashing up at me last night, from the lovely facebook people, could very well be it. “Temporarily down for maintenance. We’re constantly working hard to make a better product for you. Please be patient, and the system will be back up shortly”.Yeah……….ditto………Oh facebook, you are too wise…………..

Fi

Week 9…..Day 7…..3 cheers for the human body…..

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Education. Necessary. Proof.

Today’s post promises to be a very educational piece that will no doubt be converted to microfiche status, and catalogued in municipal libraries everywhere. Or………. just glazed over for a few seconds by some bored blog readers, and conveniently never thought about again (I’ve got my suspicions on which one it will be, but will refrain from spoiling the fun…). Since I’m a big fan of helping mr brain to grow up to be nice and strong (and overflowing with useless data), I have been doing some research (aka:spending far too much time on internet, and not enough time in the great outdoors….), on the human body. Because if there is one thing we humans all have in common on this planet, it’s a body. Not always ideal, flash, functional, or appreciated, but, we’ve all been allocated one nonetheless. And it certainly does make flinging self around the planet, and existing, somewhat easier……

And here are some very interesting facts on our little mobile homes:

*The strongest muscle is the tongue. Yep, I will no longer be enlisting my now redundant arms to lift those heavy groceries home from the store. Why didn’t I know this fact before? I will now be able to enjoy knitting AND carting home goods all at once..

*The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders whilst sleeping, in their lifetime. I guess nobody can ever claim to be a true vegetarian then….

*When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop…including your heart. How alarming. So not only does sneezing make you look like a total twit, your body goes on strike like a mistreated employee, and decides that if you’re going to draw attention to it by audibly spraying your surroundings with bodily fluids, you’re on your own pal!!!

*The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes. Well I would like to meet these ‘average’ people, because they clearly have found some magical elixir that I need to be privy to (not counting narcotics, alcohol, whacked across the head, suffocated, or chloroformed of course….). 7 minutes??? Try 7 hours for some of us…..

*The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime. All I can say, is thank goodness the calories are low, because what a waste otherwise. That’s a heck of a lot of cosmetic dining, and doesn’t even come with starters or dessert. I guess indulging in a hearty bowl of soup pre application may now be the way to go….

*Koalas and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints. I knew I felt some affiliation with these cute little marsupials. Whilst this sets them apart from other animals, and gives them some very cute human qualities, the drawback for them is that annoying task of having to remove them when trying to get away with those pesky little crime sprees. Being so uniquely identifiable is quite the inconvenience sometimes.

*If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. Well if this is the case, forget fiddling around with unreliable kettles or microwaves……this is clearly the environmentally friendly version, not to mention convenient. What impresses me even more about now knowing this wonderful fact, is the notion that some science geek somewhere, figured this little gem out. Surely there are more important things to focus on with that much brain mass….like how much television does one need to view before their grey matter is completely atrophied? or what the stubbing toe to use of extreme expletives ratio is……stuff that’s going to benefit the human race…

More pie charts. I do so adore scientific accuracy.......

*We forget 80% of what we learn everyday. Yikes. I could be in trouble here. That means that everyday, I will only recall 20% of the very little I learn as it is. Thank goodness the fate of the human species is not resting on my shoulders….

*Women blink nearly as twice as much as men. Well this seems very plausible to me. Mascara is heavy. Try sticking lead sinkers on your eyelashes men, and tell me you don’t feel the need to consistently open and shut your eyes. Women aren’t really batting their eyelashes in some seductive ploy after all…..we’re just struggling to keep them open…

*Your nose and ears never stop growing. Oh boy, and I thought my heart stopping to watch me sneeze was alarming. This is devastating news. What if you are not fussed on either facial accessory as it is? And what on earth is the evolutionary purpose of such a cruel act? I would understand if your hearing improved as time went by, but evidently the reverse is true. What’s the point of ginormous ears if you can’t hear the nurse yelling at you to cease screaming out ‘bingo’ every 3 seconds, or a majestic nose that necessitates larger handkerchiefs, and more surface area for opportunistic creatures to crawl into. I’m missing the logic on this one…..

Ok, exciting lesson over. I hope I at least recall 20% of this fantastic knowledge I’ve acquired today. Because beyond conducting my own home schooling lesson, the rest of this day has yet again been filled with as much excitement as a hairline fracture, and nothing that makes for interesting reading…or writing. Unless you count avoiding eye contact with bouncing software update icon, that is very insistent, and an acute realisation that tomorrow marks the start of week 10!!!! How.on.earth.did.that.happen?

Fi

Week 9….Day 6….Perfectly imperfect………what’s not to love???

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I guess my life has not been wasted then...........

I think I’ve discovered something about life that I adore……imperfection!!!!…..And thankfully, I’m not only great at it, but possibly a viable contender for some elite award embracing this fabulous quality..(I shall situate coveted award alongside the others extolling my hard earned apathy and procrastination skills…). What’s not to love about being second-rate in a host of life skills, and being able to never expect too much from yourself, or anyone else for that matter??? Sounds good to me…..

Now, the great thing about this delightful attribute, is that there is ALWAYS room for improvement…….Example: you can’t be stuffed ever showering, let alone grooming self into acceptable citizen…..improvement: lathering away resident scum off body, and throwing on some dapper threads to impress the light fittings…or other people….if you venture outside…….(warning: I am NOT talking about myself here……unfortunately vanity is still up there with ‘over the limit’ dinners…….).

Anyway, this topic really needs a link (and if I were computer savvy, perhaps this would materialise……), to a previous post on perception…….because what one person deems perfect and ideal, is another’s worst frickn nightmare!!!!  Even the word perfection scares the hell out of me, because not only does it seem unattainable in every aspect, but is surely something to set one up for unnecessary disappointment and pressure??? And I do so like a life without these 2 exciting nouns……call me crazy…….

Imperfection is sooooooo unpretentious, and sends a pre-warning to the world that what lies ahead is not necessarily great, but manageable. I’m sure there are a lot of restaurants and relationships that could come with this warning…..It also makes allowances for that tiny little fact about being human, and having a license to stuff up. I think Dr butt slapper gives us this paperwork when we’re born, but because of that whole “I can’t read because I’m 2hrs old and still learning to breathe and drink food from mum’s anatomy’, caper, I guess it gets lost in transit…..If only we were born with glasses (to read fine print of course…..and make sense of Dr’s handwriting…), and the brain development to reconcile this very notion. How on earth have we all made it thus far on the planet???? Perhaps this is my problem???

So, yes, I adore imperfection. And the more disheveled, lost, fighting losing battle, and ‘I don’t fit into the world’s mould’, the better. There’s enough people on the planet to pretend they are in fact succeeding in every aspect of life (because I know knitting the world’s largest perfect tea cosy, may have once been on my ‘winning at life ‘agenda, but I have since lost interest……). What about those of us that are happy to admit that we may not be triumphing in every (any), aspect, wake up not resembling 1950’s hollywood actress status, and continuing to make life decisions that really have no great benefit to our long term being??? Is this really the worst thing?? My opinion on this is………no………who. cares????????

Right, now that I have allowed for my imperfection, I will move onto the really important stuff……..my day. Or maybe not. Being imperfect, (remember, I warned you of this endearing quality…..), today, I have neglected everything that is in my best interest (if you’re to believe fake tv doctors with fake stethoscopes hijacking their necks, or societal warnings about not indulging in anything that is remotely enjoyable or pleasing), and continued to pretend I’m in that 5 star resort, where every other guest has checked out due to lack of stimulation……whatever, I’m easily pleased…..I guess it’s just part of one of my very imperfect qualities…….

So in actuality, the only negative thing I’ve had to contend with (besides my hair, which is just a given now, and not worth mentioning ever again….), is that highly frustrating (I want to go on shooting spree with pea shooter…….), colour wheel that mr computer throws in your face when you are not respectful of the whole patience gig……..Is it really any of their business if I want to click on 20 other images and websites whilst waiting to download disappointing picture (for silly blog no doubt)? Surely this is my prerogrative, and one that doesn’t deserve punishment in the form of some immature sphere of colour spinning around on potential acid trip, trying to prove a very annoying point. Not many things make me want to shove trusty mac through the neighbour’s window………but this might very well be one of them…………

Since Monday is quite the benign day, and possibly the least liked amongst the other 6 (I’m guessing they’re a bitchy bunch when they get together….and no doubt Monday has braces and heaps of issues…….), it’s no surprise that today’s reportings are also rather benign and uneventful….Thank goodness he/she only features once a week, and makes all the other days seem fabulous in comparison….(except Tuesday and Wednesday of course……still a bit lacklustre for my liking…..).

Right, here’s to another imperfect week, and embracing all that is flawed………

Fi