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Monthly Archives: June 2011

Week 6….Day 2…A thousand pictures are worth a couple of ridiculous words……..

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Here’s a thought. Perhaps we are only alloted so many words in our lifetime, and once we’ve used them up, the neurological pathways in our clever little brains that allow us to think of something really inspiring (this of course if very subjective), and then actually articulate this, decide that our time is up, and will instead ensure that nothing remotely interesting or intelligent is emitted from us ever again. Or perhaps this phenomenon is only unique to me, and I will get to behold my name in the Guinness book of records after all.

I’m not sure if during my restless slumber last night (ok, this afternoon…..), someone has quietly tiptoed over my renegade shoes, cords, dusty exercise gadgets, empty bottles (juice bottles of course…), more renegade shoes and mound of every clothing item owned, and proceeded to smack me over the head with any one of these items. Not waking up throughout the incident, or hearing them leave is quite the miracle, but am quite convinced this is what has taken place, since I have awoken today to a completely fuzzy brain (which now matches my hair beautifully..), and an abode that looks way more disheveled than I remember…..

Now since this newly inherited fuzzy brain (I think that’s the medical term), has rendered me unable to think properly without bursting a blood vessel or resembling a Chucky doll, I will narrate my day in a very elaborate picture show. The artist does however wish to remain anonymous…..

GET UP!!! 3hrs sleep is more than enough........

Fuzzy head......not sure if this a good or bad thing??? But I do know that facial imprints of knitted jumper worn to bed....aren't!!

Can't think! What day is it? Why are the Chipmunks making cameo appearances in my dreams?

Oh my......a ninja has broken in and had a party......a very thirsty one nonetheless.....

Breakfast! I must be at least up to my 500th egg this month, and just like tuna....it never gets old......

Oh goody....exercise time, and I'm pretty sure the computers on these things are correct ....of course I burned up 700 cals in that 30min walk....

That's a LOT of spider web action on that lamp......that must mean that there is a LOT of spider action in my house......time to move out....

There's chocolate in my fridge!..Just one square and 20 sec of tv.....heck, may as well find a cure for cancer while I'm here...

Chores....should dish water really turn that colour?

Thinking time.....why on earth does hair start growing in obscene places when people get old? My nursing home shall be lined with wax...

More thinking time...how do they really know that pet food is tasty? and does incessantly pushing the pedestrian button make the walk sign turn up quicker?

Time to chop up 20kg of pumpkin....probably quicker with a nail file, but no, I will persist with bluntest knife I can find....

Time to write lame posting in blog, and hope it gets read by no one.

What a day!! And I think I have proven my hypothesis at the beginning of this exciting post……brain. thoughts. intelligence. articulation.none. Some miracle clearly needs to now happen over the next 24hrs, or this blog is going to be reduced to one worded sentences. Wish.me.luck.

Fi

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Week 6….Day 1…..5 weeks down……7 more to waste……..

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Who would have thought that 5 weeks could go by so quickly without really achieving anything? Ok, not quite true…..I’ve lost a job, slept enough daylight hours to possibly count as a shift worker, eaten an elegant sufficiency of tuna (and most likely mercury…), to qualify as the first ever human thermometer, spent some time hanging with an idiot named Terry in order to avoid complete muscle atrophy, viewed enough infomercials and other mindless schlock to kill any remaining brain cells, made useless observations about how ridiculous this planet can be (nothing new there really), deferred to a more stringent living arrangement, which does not come without it’s own set of annoying obstacles (professional hair care and dentistry are waaaaaay overrated, as are operational cooking and heating devices, and useable food items……), and realised the fact that perhaps change is not possible, and that in another 7 more weeks, I may just be reporting this very notion.

Ok, so perhaps these first 5 weeks were just the trial run…and now it’s time to get serious…yes, and the only reason I drink wine is for it’s antioxidant benefits……So, today has been all about reflection (and shock I guess), over how all these weeks have slipped by, and I could possibly be in a worse position (if that is even humanly possible…), than I was when I began this optimistic journey. Time to go scrounging around for those rotten lemons again, and make me some obscene amount of frickn lemonade!!!!!!!

Well, despite trying to adhere to some pretty darn boring rules for myself that could very well be the key to the extinction of fun, exhibited in museums everywhere alongside the Tyrannosauras Rex, I have also managed to acquire some kind of stomach issue that has me convinced I have inadvertently ingested a whole other person in my sleep, who for the last few days has realised I am in fact a really crummy host, and are therefore looking for the escape route. Unfortunately, the distention they are producing in my torso is doing nothing for my affection towards them, and to be quite honest, I’m more than ready to evict them. Whilst I realise the “I’ve just swallowed a hot air balloon” look, may be in vogue this season, this is clearly not one that suits my figure, or comfort factor. Not that there’s anything wrong with that post buffet feel………

So besides lamenting about how far I haven’t come today, and thinking up names for the alien inhabiting my gut, I also reflected on some of the advice we are given as humans in order to make our time on the planet supposedly more enjoyable, and to the betterment of our well being. One such pearl of wisdom that seems to be offered up in every second magazine or website I accidently stumble upon (ok, I guess it’s not accidental…), is that we should listen to our bodies! Seriously??? If the writers of such wisdom were to listen to what my body had to say, I doubt they would stand behind this statement….

A day in the life of MY Body (if it had it’s way and I didn’t take control):

I’m coooold….put some really hideous oversized clothing on me damn it!  I don’t want to get up, let me rest for a few more hours or I will make your day extremely miserable! I need to offload stuff, get up, get up, get up! I want food, and I want stuff that is super tasty and completely devoid of anything found on some dodgy diet pyrmaid. Thanks a lot. I’m really bloated now! I want to lie down. Now!!! Don’t speak! Must laspse into coma for a bit. I want to get up and sit around. I want more life threatening ingredients while I watch this boring crap! Only one bottle of wine? Don’t even think about sticking me on that abominable device aimed at moving me! If you do, I will feign an injury. Don’t even try and shove that water crap into me! I’m tired. Let me sleep!!!!!!! Yeah, I won’t be listening anytime soon…..

Today, I have also unfortunately been confronted with more of the inconveniences of the fun budget lifestyle, in my choice of butter. Now I know this is not a food group I should be partying with, or even pretending to enjoy, but sometimes, Vegemite needs something to stick to (kind of like plaque and teeth), and whilst some synthetic alien goop with a million unpronounceable ingredients that promise to lower my  cholesterol if I eat it everyday for the rest of my natural life (which could be shortened anyway due to the anatomical chemical warfare it induces), sounds like the more sensible option (yeah right..), I choose to stick with something that at least has some origin I’m familiar with. However, when it comes to cutting costs, this will now mean choosing those versions that do not promise to be soft and spreadable for your convenience. Hey, I’m adaptable, how bad can it be???  I have butter. I have bread. I have Vegemite. I may have to wait till Spring to enjoy all 3 in unison………money saved is clearly calories saved……my diet book should be out anytime soon……..

Unsoftened butter........there's always someone to benefit........

Butter.......utensils love them.........

A winter doorstop.......don't even entertain this idea for summer.....

Budgeting also means staying indoors thinking up all the other ways to be saving those elusive pennies……let’s just say that Blue Tack and Supa Glue may be featuring in their own reality tv show soon if I continue down this path…..or just discussed extensively on some insignificant blog……….not much difference really………

Here’s to the beginning of week 6 and more rantings to make the average person feel pretty darn good about their own life…….I’m glad I can provide this service……

Fi

Budgeting and being savvy =skill, insightfulness and no self respect.......

Week 5….Day 7…Let’s go shopping……….with vodka preferably…….

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Bored? Feel like rubbing shoulders with the masses in an artificially lit structure that could incite jealousy in lab rats everywhere? Love losing lots of things including your car? Enjoy the majestic sounds of screaming children and frustrated parents? Well clearly, this was exactly what I needed today….and I was not disappointed…not even a little….

School holiday shopping centre itinerary:

*Make list of 20,00o things need to purchase ( hopefully within a 1hr timeframe), on scrappy piece of paper, and shove in bag with previous shopping lists dating back 5yrs.

*Groom self, and seek out shoes that at least have some grip to cope with extra slippery shopping centre floor.

*Arrive at shopping centre (preferably with packed lunch), ready to use up all petrol in locating car park.

*Find car park far too easily, consider that am perhaps on a hidden camera show, take easy car park anyway, contemplate whether have actually entered the twilight zone instead, eyeball uncomfortable posse of teens, unfortunately not in twilight zone……

*Enter crazy menagerie, rummage around for most recent list, retrieve incorrect list, spend 20mins (ok, slight embellishment), finding current list, set about acquiring necessary items in record speed.

*Avoid bumping int0/making eye contact with awkward teens attempting to court the opposite sex with rigor mortis limbs, and enough uncomfortableness to make a colonoscopy seem like a theme park ride.

Aww....the angst of an awkward teen......heartfelt....

*Lose interest in whole purpose of being in crowded cesspool, and deliberate over the necessity in actually going home with anything.

*Decide I DO need to purchase necessary crap for my own self respect, and continue wading through disgruntled families and highly annoying sales staff that have been let loose with a microphone, dodgy amp, and past history of race horse commentaries.

*Remind self that am on tight budget and should shop around (waste time..whatever…). Visit first shop and decide that who cares if it’s not the best price….the time saved in traipsing this claustrophobic den of painfulness is worth every extra dollar spent on the extra special fish oil tablets that not only won’t make me reek of breathy fishy fun, but guarantee to make my joints extra supple (ok, just made that last bit up….).

*Walk between stores avoiding eye contact with the ever so keen ‘not enough products or money for own shop, but will set up spot in middle of shopping centre, and will ever so conveniently solicit passers by’…staff. Yes I realise they are just trying to earn an honest living blah blah blah, but having to avoid looking remotely in their direction (and pretending to focus ever so intently on every type of key cutting possibility available to me at neighbouring shop….), or feigning some major dermalogical disorder so that not even THEY want to rub some miraculous lotion harnessed from a mystical sea creature that hung out with dinosaurs on me, can be rather exhausting. Time to sit down and lay-by a coffee…..

*Ingesting liquid can then only mean one thing……..where are the facilities to offload the $20 cups of coffee??  Conveniently, they are located at the other end of the building, so here’s to exercise, and more time spent cringing at hip hop wannabes.

*Thankfully, shopping centres also have those incredible human conveyer belts that get you from one level to another, 5 times slower (because most humans on this contraption forget that they are actually allowed to move on this device), but hey, you don’t need to use your legs like a sucker.  You get to hold onto a bacterial infested railing if you feel a bit uncoordinated, you can slide down the thing if your shoes have done away with most of their grip, you are privy to many a boring conversation about the escalating grocery prices, and depending on who you stand behind (and because the journey takes about an hour….), you may be spoiled for choice.

*Disembark from moving alfoil and decide that while I’m out, I may as well also do some grocery shopping……because what could be more fun than lugging kilos of more stuff around the place, and then locating car…..good times ahead…….

*Success!….buy more groceries than I should probably carry, decide I will anyway, shuffle out of supermarket with enough plastic bags to single handedly destroy the planet, enjoy the incessant knocking of voluminous bags against shins, saunter past temporary shoe box sized ice skating rink erected in centre for darling children (providing an escape route for parents everywhere), pretending to enjoy the infliction of canned beans to the knee cap, and finally make way to car after mistakenly identifying a few clones along the way…..

*GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!

So obviously today has been spent getting the yucky stuff out of the way, which I guess is really what every day is about. Who would have also thought, that on this most pleasant day out, I would pick up all manner of educated reading material, and learn things I never thought possible…..and whilst there are many things I could share (I may need to call on these in future posts depending on motivation etc……), I will only share one little chestnut. I learnt today from a very reputable (no explanation needed), magazine that there are ‘5 Things To Do With Your Boobs’! Now this may not interest the male readers (or it may…), but who would of thought that us females had sooo much fun at our disposal??? Whilst I did not take notes (being in a cafe and all…), I do remember one of the top 5….and that was to ‘give them a facial’. Right, now, I may not be the most avid frequenter of beauty salons and facials, but I have learnt a few things…..not the least being that these are usually applicable to our FACES!! And who the hell could be bothered??? Actually, this is really the topic for it’s own post…….preferably in some WTF blog…….maybe after I turn 40…..

Among all this, I have managed to complete, and fail daily goals all over the place……..but let’s discuss that another day…..

Fi

These kinds of atrocities are often staged in shopping centres......just saying.....

Week 5…..Day 6…..It’s Monday, uninspired, have note from my mum…

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It's legit......my mum doesn't lie.......

Today has been as inspiring as a chicken soup recipe. Even though I currently have no reason to get up on a cold Monday morning, cursing ‘the man’ (he surely must have a complex by now with the amount of people who hate him), and preferring to be drowning in a pool of my own excrement, than joining my fellow miserable Mondayitis victims, I am still not immune to the horrific feeling this day can inflict. I’m not sure if it’s because it represents the end of fun for the week, acting like an annoyed parent that has come back from holidays early to find you paddling around in knee deep pizza boxes and beer bottles, or because it’s the start of a whole other week, and any potential enjoyment could possibly be 5 whole days away. Time to put on the serious boring hat and get back to business….as quickly as possible…..wish the week away……bring on the weekend….and here we go again……living!!!!

So wading through the pizza and beer aftermath this morning (metaphorically speaking of course), I tried to instead pretend that rather than this being just another Monday, which coincidentally sounds a lot like mundane…….I would treat it like the first day of holidays in a fabulous resort (one that has no other holidayers, staff, pool or nice amenities….), where I am free to just kick back and unwind after a very hectic month/year/life. This was as successful as a non cheesy game show, and my unconvinced brain was right back in ‘Mondays suck’ mode, before I even had a chance to dine on my imaginary buffet breakfast. This is clearly going to take a lot more practice (and perhaps medication..).

Unfortunately, I have not left my mythological resort today, so I have spent a day alone with my ever consuming (crazy, demanding, confusing, ridiculous), thoughts, and a tv. Quite possibly the WORST combination (besides Captain and Tenille of course..). Despite this, I do manage to learn new things and am able to add more fuel to my cynical fire, which at this rate, will be providing heat for all eternity…..

So for those who don’t get to indulge in such obtuse viewing, I aim to provide this reputable service free of charge, because no human should ever go through their life not bearing witness to journalists trying to walk (in precarious places nevertheless), and talk at the same time (what the hell is wrong with just standing still??), that ‘Jenny from Middlepark’ reckons you should give the fat gobbling shakes a go because she can now fit into her toddler’s jeans, that the only way to advertise larger men’s clothing is to yell at the viewer, and that if you really want to make a new menu option sound appealing, call it a ‘chicken slider’ (what????), and wait for the masses to come. I’m afraid that anything that denotes some kind of slide action when it comes to food, can’t really be in our best interests can it??

I did also happen to add a bit more research to my anti-aging repertoire, and was fortunate enough to witness some desperate (obviously), woman having fat sucked out of her thighs, and ever so conveniently injected back into that oh soo droopy aging face. This technology is surely not just limited to this gig?….The potential is really quite limitless…..Cooking a roast? Run out of oil? Thank goodness we have fat thighs and a syringe…..Furniture and carpet have been repossessed? Sitting on floor too uncomfy on bony butt? Thank goodness we have fat thighs and a syringe…..Fancy dress party coming up? Want to go as a puffer fish? Thank goodness we have……….Ok, you get the point. Anyway, the conclusion to this riveting story is that some old lady with a saggy face, endured becoming an unsightly pin cushion, was interviewed at intermittent stages throughout process despite being as lucid as a stoned turtle, and articulate as Ozzy Osbourne, and was then revealed the grand outcome of her misery in the form of a new and improved youthful appearance (that’s if bulbous and alien looking are now the new youth…..). Am thinking droopy isn’t that bad after all……

Ok, moving on from horrendous tv viewing, the only other all consuming thoughts that have kept my mind from wandering to the less important stuff like career paths, long term goals etc, is the fact that I actually need to venture out of my resort at some stage very soon, and it happens to be that time of the year when the shops/streets/everyplace you want to be, is littered with those beings that define awkward. Yay…..it’s school holiday time……Why do I only ever run out of stuff when these little mites are vacationing? Why not the other 40wks or so of the year when they are conveniently locked away, do I not desperately need things paramount to my survival? (ok, quite the exaggeration there…). I guess this is just yet another of those things in life we need to endure in order to really evolve as balanced human beings, that are also tolerant of others…..pfft….can’t say I actually believe this optimistic piece of crap just yet….

Right, time to wrap this up……I clearly have little to say today, but have done a fine job in rattling on with lots of stuff to take up valuable cyberspace, and perhaps even provide just one person with an insomnia cure……just doing my bit for humanity…..And since tomorrow is NOT Monday, I’m feeling a little more optimistic about it’s potential….Bring on the weekend!!!

Fi

This of course, is in no way related to my blog.........

Week 5…..Day 5….1 toaster….1 crumpet…..how hard can it be???

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I realise life is not easy, that’s a given, but why do some things become more difficult than a hairdresser with a tremor? Is it really the universe helping us to build character and pay our dues, or is it just some mean law of physics trying to piss us off? This post is in no way intended to be negative yet again (nope, I’m back to making lemonade….), but just an observation of how sometimes things really feel like they are stacked against you, and the 2 choices are to resist and complain, or go along for the annoying ride (for which I think I may just purchase a season pass…).

I’m pretty much convinced, that there are special days allocated in our lives, when EVERYTHING will go wrong, all on the one day. Each incident in itself is a minor blip…..add them all up, and you have the quintessential day from hell. Tell anyone in earshot about your minor misfortunes, and they may just slap you around the head and tell you to get over it. String them all together into an oversized perilous necklace, and they may offer you at least a fake frown of empathy, and if you’re really lucky, a token pat on the arm….woot. Keep them to yourself, and you get to wallow till your heart’s content, and convince yourself that not only is the world out to get you, but it’s quite obvious that the solar system also wants you to suffer in your jocks……..Today is one of sufferance……

Having still not mastered this whole sleeping at night gig yet, and starting many days when others are nanna napping, I can only surmise that this is already a fast tracked path to crapsville (not a real word, but I don’t care…). Any task undertaken in a semi-comatose fashion (minus the machines and cords of course…), is one that is not about to win awards anytime soon, and has potential ‘upcoming fail’ written all over it. Having said that, many tasks were also achieved without winning this coveted title, so I guess I should be also focussing on these…….but they’re not as fun to report on…..

Soooooo…….indulging in enough salt last night to offer myself up as the first human salt lick to livestock everywhere, can only have one obvious outcome. Waking up with enough puffiness to make some magic dragon look very deflated. Aesthetically this is quite a displeasing thing to confront, not to mention the logistics of trying to produce a fist (clearly a daily necessity….), when newly formed sausage fingers refuse to move, let alone bend. This state of being consequently also does nothing for one’s co-ordination or feeling of astronaut weightlessness on the planet. Right. So I woke up retaining enough fluid to hydrate the nation……next….

I make purposeful trip to auto teller to withdraw money…..auto teller has passed away……so sad……so annoying. Do I go to competition auto teller and pay $2 fee?? No damn it! I’m on a budget!…..Would prefer to come home empty handed and ticked off…….much more fun…If only the inanimate objects I cohabit with, would provide some sympathetic feedback….

Toilet blocks up AGAIN!!……Watching it fill up to almost overflow point, beats any defibrillator hands down. The fear and anxiety is like no other, and the look on my plunger’s rubbery face cannot be articulated. I’m really starting to think that my toilet is in fact quite lazy……..don’t know where it got that from…..

Frequenting cafes and ordering pots of tea…….do they see me coming and ensure that the pot I’m served up has enough leakage potential to warrant some kind of sanitary aide?…..It may claim to house 2 cups of precious tea, but after the bulk of it is sprayed out of it’s microscopic orifices, the half a cup you get to indulge in seems well worth it. Yes, the table is now a shallow pond of english breakfast goodness, but having worked very hard to enjoy the few sips that managed to land in your cup is priceless (and expensive if you were to do the maths….).

Ok, so budget prevails. Don’t order $20 toast on cafe menu. Come home and make own carbohydrate fun. Get thick doughy crumpet and insert into dodgy toaster built only for anorexic bread and cardboard cut outs. Let’s change the word insert to shove. Wait 43 minutes for doughy mess to be somewhat toasted. Not quite done. Poke back into toaster and cook more. Wait for anemic offering to finally give some indication that it may have had enough of the time spent squeezed into space fit for paperclip. Try to scoop prize out of contraption without decimating either. Fail. Entertain the idea that crumpets were perhaps meant to compartmentalised, and how much more fun buttering 7 bits over 1 is, not to mention getting into that pesky toaster with a fork……here’s to living on the edge…

Dear crumpet, please make my life more difficult......

Where would one be without forks and toasters??....bored I'm guessing....

Enough with the negativity……these are all just very insignificant things in the big scheme of life……..tiredness has a lot to answer for……not the least, making one a much uglier version of themself……but thankfully, an article featured in a glitzy magazine where I indulged in my 100ml of tea, gave me some tips on how to ‘get back my winter glow’. Not sure if it was referring to the sweaty look one acquires from showers at 300 degrees or sitting on dodgy heater, or some mystical illumination that I may need to employ an illusionist to create. Whatever the case, I’m clearly meant to be radiating more than bloated lizzard skin……more pressure…….

So, on the eve of another week, here’s to thinking about/entertaining/talking about/achieving/failing many goals….(I’m becoming far more realistic now…), and accepting that sometimes life throws you a giant crumpet, makes you risk your life fishing it out, and then has the ability to make it taste like a soggy sponge……get over it girlfriend….

Fi

Week 5…..Day 4…..Transformer….Scary toy, or dodgy life model??

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Transforming..........it's all lies..............

Let’s just dive into the really deep end, and confront life’s topics that make the teenager in me want to steal a ciggie off me bestie and crouch behind the toilet block. Over the last 24hrs (ok, probably more like 17, but that doesn’t sound as good…), I have been reflecting ever so curiously on the question of whether we really do change and evolve as human beings. This has come about after many freed up hours pondering whether I have in fact progressed as a human being, or continued to exist as my previous immature, riddled with enough neuroses and issues to keep psychotherapists wealthy for years to come, self. Not sure I even have the answer to this very profound question, but what I do know is that it could fill in a few more hundred words to bore everyone senseless, and tick off my nightly goal of posting something……

Now, since this blog is about ME (here’s to self indulgence and any poor sucker having to read it), I will address this issue with my own personal take on the matter. Because there are now only 7 and a half weeks left before I turn the corner and enter that next decade that is supposed to be the new 30’s blah blah blah, I have looked back on the last 20 or so years (if that’s not enough to make you feel old….), and tried to identify traits, habits, thoughts, actions, paradigms, clothing, hairstyles etc etc that may be (frickn hopefully….), different! Thankfully, my clothing no longer resembles cereal boxes that Pro Hart has thrown up on, or hairstyles that require their own post codes, but not too sure on the other stuff. Surely we really do evolve as people with potentially working brains, and not remain as ignorant and static as our former awkward pimply teenage selves, or degenerate into something worse (although not sure if it gets any worse than annoying human that hasn’t yet made it out of first 2 decades, smells like a locker room and looks as comfortable as a cat in a guitar string factory).

So looking back, I have come to realise that I have changed very little (besides physical degeneration of course…), and my evolution as a human being is quite the disappointment. Leaving high school, I was convinced that I was about to embark on some magical journey that saw me losing any crazy idiosyncrasy, hang up, lazy quality (very hopeful thinking here..), or ridiculous behaviour that could have it’s own reality tv show. Nope. Not so. If anything, I think I may have fed these precious little darlings, and am now the proud recipient of an overweight version of all such craziness. Go me……..

*Being messy. Words can’t describe the level of messiness this chick orchestrated. Adorning oneself in a school uniform that was peeled off the floor amid vermin, and then showcasing such creatures to a school parade ground……here’s to finest moments…

*Low maintenance. Why the hell aren’t wigs and overgrown talons fashionable? Who has the time to look so fabulous everyday?? Ok, forget the time thing….who has the care factor??

*Grand life plans. Hmm…didn’t have them way back when…..and still don’t have them. Just trying to bypass the middle man and cut straight to the ‘I’m soo disappointed with my life’ rhetoric. But, with no plans or dreams, no disappointment….

*Living on pseudo speed. Still living life with the attention span of a surprised Steggles chicken. Not sure why this situation has still not been rectified, perhaps I haven’t put enough focus on it…..but I have somewhat adapted to never fully taking anything in, and wondering more about what my lecturer had for breakfast, than why Helium is an inert gas…

*Public transport abhorrence. This doesn’t change in 20yrs. Having to brush up against other putrid homo sapiens for an alloted time, in a life size bacterial capsule, and disembark without losing remaining dignity (the first bit lost on entering public cesspool, stumbling to 3cm of alloted floorspace), not sure this ever goes away.

*Being cynical of the world. Not only has this fabulous trait not disappeared, it has become larger than Bert Newton’s head, and I fear it may continue to grow. I guess I just need to suck this one up, and accept that being on the planet for any length of time is going to contribute to being suspicious of anyone trying to sell me an elasticised tube that promises to suck my flesh into my vertebrae, so that I can sashay down the street like a sophisticated earthworm. Of course, giving my pin number to the lovely telemarketer is a different story……they just needed to verify my identity……

So, I think the point is made here, that perhaps one doesn’t change that much in their lifetime, and that in some instances, certain traits may even become more exaggerated……kill me now….Whatever the case, I am a big believer in evolving and improving (clearly with a crap track record…), but at least I’ve entertained the idea, and would prefer to not remain a cynical frantic hobo, that has no hope for the future. Bring on the self help books, expensive therapy, Dr Phil reruns, Oprah……..oh my, perhaps disheveled, jaded and frenzied aren’t so bad after all……

Right, enough schmultzy self help chat. I am still in a blog rut and am still thinking of the million other things I would prefer to be doing right now, but am instead sticking to some stupid commitment I made to myself, to write some rot for 12 weeks straight. Here’s to that……..time to go and do anything that is remotely more interesting (hot wiring neighbour’s car, wondering what being tasered feels like, and considering the outcome of a country music/heavy metal hybrid..).

Sooooo many stupid thoughts…….soooooo little time…..

Fi

Yeah....that's easy to say when you're sitting behind some fancy typewriter in the 50's.......

Week 5….Day 3…If only I could be bothered reading tutorials…….

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Ok, I know on previous posts I have worshiped the very ground winter has iced over, and sung it’s frosty praises…..but I am today feeling that it’s sometimes more annoying than a rapper with a lisp, and am willing to accept that some things are way more easier to undertake when the air temperature is at least warm enough to keep my coconut oil liquid. This dissatisfaction has come about after a day of trying to keep parched dehydrated body from completely shriveling up with every type of moisturiser that promises to keep reptile skin remotely human looking, without also promoting a slip and slide reaction on every piece of furniture, or the ability of every inanimate object to magically stick to you….it’s nice to be so popular. Note to self: don’t optimistically moisturise hands before attempting to enjoy hot cup of boiling tea….that is all.

Enough weather talk…..today is really one of those days when you wish you were a science fiction writer and could come up with some kind of existential crap to detract from the fact that this boring chick has little to report…unless you count the attempt to keep appendages moist, more romantic rendezvous with treadmill, food fit for a monk, thought processes that would make any psych patient proud, and avoidance of attending to anything that is remotely beneficial to the propagation of my well being. So, instead of writing 1000 more words of unnecessary dribble (quite sure there’s a few tabloid magazines out there that have cornered this market..), I have decided to display some of my day in crappy pictures.

I'm up!!!....probably not this happy......but I'm up.....

10.32am......yes, me still sleeping with extra elongated body.......

Just popping off to get really delicious food and remove taste buds all at the same time.....

I love you mr treadmill.......and other myths.......

Doing all manner of boring stuff that nobody is interested in hearing about....including me...

Ok, this is now tragic…….not only have I not read the tutorials properly to enable my picture insertions to be at least streamlined in some kind of readable configuration, but my motivation to do so has fallen by the wayside. My day in pictures is really lame, and I have given up, and such a shame, with the high standard of artwork that has been employed…alas alak……more dumb rantings……

So in yesterday’s equally exciting post, I noted a few things that make me smile………well not one for dismissing the whole yin and yang fun, I have found a few things today that don’t make me smile…..

Renegade hair. Those pieces that have left the head and ended up in your dishwater, dish brush, socks, fridge, food, brush (ok, that’s probably normal…), floor, crockery etc etc. I don’t even care that it’s MY hair……the fact that it is loose and reattaches itself to me like some long lost relative, makes me want to drown in a pot of boiling wax. These defiant strands wrapped around my fingers, socks or tongue are not only hideous to observe, but the strangulation of one meagre fibre wrapped around my being is up there with attending a Miley Cyrus concert……..

News eye witness accounts. Do we really need to hear some nosy passer by narrate the fact, that when the dude in the hotted up commodore smashed into the frickn brick wall, ‘it made a really big crashing sound’?? I think not. Can’t the ever so clever journalists make up this stuff without annoying the idiot bystanders who just want to catch a glimpse of themselves on the tellie?? “Hi Mum..”.

The adjective, projectile. I fear anything that has this potential. Vomit, missiles, balls, toys, people etc etc. Anything that has the potential of ricocheting through the air, and potentially landing on me, immediately removes my smile to one of fear and trepidation. How does one enjoy a lovely serene bbq when there are all manner of these projectile objects waiting to scoop your eye out, or permanently embed your skull with something that you will never find shoes to match……..

Awkward hellos and good byes. Now this is really a whole post on its own, but I feel the need to get it out right here. There is nothing worse than the optimistic greeting that turns sour when one or both parties don’t know how to behave, and the hopeful kiss on the cheek becomes the side swipe to the non judgmental ear, or the upcoming enthusiastic embrace instead morphs into a ninja handshake. Being a part of this is bad enough, viewing it…..well the cringe factor is up there with some kind of celebrity dancing show…..

Ok, enough negativity……..it’s cold-get over it, hair should stay on our heads-yep, things shouldn’t be able to launch themselves at us-whatever, greeting someone with a kiss to the eyeball is weird-no shit…….time to just accept that some things in life are out of our control…..time to get a remote control airplane…….

Fi