Bored? Feel like rubbing shoulders with the masses in an artificially lit structure that could incite jealousy in lab rats everywhere? Love losing lots of things including your car? Enjoy the majestic sounds of screaming children and frustrated parents? Well clearly, this was exactly what I needed today….and I was not disappointed…not even a little….
School holiday shopping centre itinerary:
*Make list of 20,00o things need to purchase ( hopefully within a 1hr timeframe), on scrappy piece of paper, and shove in bag with previous shopping lists dating back 5yrs.
*Groom self, and seek out shoes that at least have some grip to cope with extra slippery shopping centre floor.
*Arrive at shopping centre (preferably with packed lunch), ready to use up all petrol in locating car park.
*Find car park far too easily, consider that am perhaps on a hidden camera show, take easy car park anyway, contemplate whether have actually entered the twilight zone instead, eyeball uncomfortable posse of teens, unfortunately not in twilight zone……
*Enter crazy menagerie, rummage around for most recent list, retrieve incorrect list, spend 20mins (ok, slight embellishment), finding current list, set about acquiring necessary items in record speed.
*Avoid bumping int0/making eye contact with awkward teens attempting to court the opposite sex with rigor mortis limbs, and enough uncomfortableness to make a colonoscopy seem like a theme park ride.
Aww....the angst of an awkward teen......heartfelt....
*Lose interest in whole purpose of being in crowded cesspool, and deliberate over the necessity in actually going home with anything.
*Decide I DO need to purchase necessary crap for my own self respect, and continue wading through disgruntled families and highly annoying sales staff that have been let loose with a microphone, dodgy amp, and past history of race horse commentaries.
*Remind self that am on tight budget and should shop around (waste time..whatever…). Visit first shop and decide that who cares if it’s not the best price….the time saved in traipsing this claustrophobic den of painfulness is worth every extra dollar spent on the extra special fish oil tablets that not only won’t make me reek of breathy fishy fun, but guarantee to make my joints extra supple (ok, just made that last bit up….).
*Walk between stores avoiding eye contact with the ever so keen ‘not enough products or money for own shop, but will set up spot in middle of shopping centre, and will ever so conveniently solicit passers by’…staff. Yes I realise they are just trying to earn an honest living blah blah blah, but having to avoid looking remotely in their direction (and pretending to focus ever so intently on every type of key cutting possibility available to me at neighbouring shop….), or feigning some major dermalogical disorder so that not even THEY want to rub some miraculous lotion harnessed from a mystical sea creature that hung out with dinosaurs on me, can be rather exhausting. Time to sit down and lay-by a coffee…..
*Ingesting liquid can then only mean one thing……..where are the facilities to offload the $20 cups of coffee?? Conveniently, they are located at the other end of the building, so here’s to exercise, and more time spent cringing at hip hop wannabes.
*Thankfully, shopping centres also have those incredible human conveyer belts that get you from one level to another, 5 times slower (because most humans on this contraption forget that they are actually allowed to move on this device), but hey, you don’t need to use your legs like a sucker. You get to hold onto a bacterial infested railing if you feel a bit uncoordinated, you can slide down the thing if your shoes have done away with most of their grip, you are privy to many a boring conversation about the escalating grocery prices, and depending on who you stand behind (and because the journey takes about an hour….), you may be spoiled for choice.
*Disembark from moving alfoil and decide that while I’m out, I may as well also do some grocery shopping……because what could be more fun than lugging kilos of more stuff around the place, and then locating car…..good times ahead…….
*Success!….buy more groceries than I should probably carry, decide I will anyway, shuffle out of supermarket with enough plastic bags to single handedly destroy the planet, enjoy the incessant knocking of voluminous bags against shins, saunter past temporary shoe box sized ice skating rink erected in centre for darling children (providing an escape route for parents everywhere), pretending to enjoy the infliction of canned beans to the knee cap, and finally make way to car after mistakenly identifying a few clones along the way…..
*GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!
So obviously today has been spent getting the yucky stuff out of the way, which I guess is really what every day is about. Who would have also thought, that on this most pleasant day out, I would pick up all manner of educated reading material, and learn things I never thought possible…..and whilst there are many things I could share (I may need to call on these in future posts depending on motivation etc……), I will only share one little chestnut. I learnt today from a very reputable (no explanation needed), magazine that there are ‘5 Things To Do With Your Boobs’! Now this may not interest the male readers (or it may…), but who would of thought that us females had sooo much fun at our disposal??? Whilst I did not take notes (being in a cafe and all…), I do remember one of the top 5….and that was to ‘give them a facial’. Right, now, I may not be the most avid frequenter of beauty salons and facials, but I have learnt a few things…..not the least being that these are usually applicable to our FACES!! And who the hell could be bothered??? Actually, this is really the topic for it’s own post…….preferably in some WTF blog…….maybe after I turn 40…..
Among all this, I have managed to complete, and fail daily goals all over the place……..but let’s discuss that another day…..
These kinds of atrocities are often staged in shopping centres......just saying.....