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Monthly Archives: May 2011

Week 1…Day 7……Scheduled apathy………Success!!

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Herein lies today’s proposed schedule:

8am: Get up (quite ambitious really)

8.30: Healthy breakfast of champions (champion chess player? champion twit?…) Not sure what I was going to be doing between 8 and 8.30….no doubt staring at this enterprising schedule in shock…

9.30: (yes, because it takes 60mins to eat a champion’s breakfast) Seek out sweaty exercise wear, think of every other activity I would prefer to do than the imminent task of moving my sluggish body, refocus, adorn myself in aforementioned hideous wear.

10.00 – 11.00: (yep, that whole process is at least 30mins of procrastination) Start pumping stagnant blood around disgruntled body, whilst taking in yet more housewife tv viewing, and learn that the average funeral costs $6550…..(I plan to at least get that down to $6500 when my turn comes), and that there are moisturisers that will keep my skin supple and and as dewy as a dog’s nose for 24hrs…not 23, not 25, but the perfect 24! What a coincidence that there are also 24hrs in one day! Sometimes all the planets in the universe really do align.

11.00: Rid myself of any trace of overactivity with refreshing shower (not too long, and preferably cold….budget budget budget..).

11.30-12.30: A quick tidy up of anything that is causing me to step over it, into it or under it, and evacuation of any rubbish that should have been removed yesterday in time for those lovely folk that pop round every Tuesday morning, ever so quietly, and kindly suck the contents out of our plastic eyesores on wheels, with lids that obviously don’t want to be attached, and ever so gently catapulting them back onto the footpath, preferably taking half the bonnet off the neighbouring car in the process…

12.30-1.00: Lunch……one of many 20,000 different recipes that include tuna as the star.

1.00-4:00: Become more learned (and this does not include tv, womans day, kmart catalogues, or you tube..)by reading insightful material that will encourage my little brain to grow into a giant (almost tumor like) mound of smartness.

4.00-5:00: Me time. Aka do whatever the heck I feel like doing because I’ve earned it after sticking to such a disciplined schedule. (Pretty sure I can stick to this one).

5:00-6:00: Think about, plan out, check if even have ingredients for, and start preparing healthy, living the dream, dinner. (Aka get overwhelmed, change mind 65 times, dream about preferred choice of dinner, make a phenomenal mess in the kitchen).

6:00-6:30: Let dinner rest…delayed gratification. Clean up mess from cooking adventure on speed.

6:30-7:30: Eat dinner slowly, chewing every mouthful enough times so that my stomach is convinced I have actually used my teeth, and that the food parcels entering it are actually edible matter, and not that of a drug mule.

7:30 and onwards: Write down failings in an online diary for all to read, minimal tv viewing, and brief catch up with other humans through social networking sites that will not take up too much of my time.

11:00: Bedtime! Clean and  floss teeth (so that they bleed a little more), slap on 23 layers of face and eye creams to ensure pillowcase has enough grip to stay put all night, put on overworn sleepwear and get into freshly made bed (there are of course different definitions of this)

11:15: Fall into a deep refreshing rejuvenating sleep for exactly 8hrs!!!!

Herein lies today’s actual schedule:

10:15: Woken up by noisy bird. Try to look at time on clock through bleary eyes. Pat self on back that am still in there with a breakfast shot. Ponder how cold it is, and decide that breakfast is in fact quite overrated.

11:00: Decide am hungry enough to make the pilgrimage to the kitchen before lunch time, after all. Do the cold morning shuffle (which could really take off as a new dance craze), on the extra cold linoleum floor despite wearing hairy socks, picking up previous night’s dropped food remnants with it.

11:20-12:00: Cook and eat breakfast, and wonder what time is too soon to have a nap.

12.00: Decide Dr Phil is not offering me anything insightful today, and take this as a sign that it may be nap time.

2:00pm: Yep, wake up from 2hr nap!!! (Pretty sure I’m going to suit this retirement lifestyle). Repeat the 11:00 ritual, except this time for afternoon tea.

2:20: Healthy snack (I obviously worked up a real appetite in the 2hr nap), force self into the ever hopeful exercise wear, and actually move the slothful body. This is then carried out in spurts for 9omins….due to laziness (gets me everytime), distractions (ok, Dr Oz had some really interesting things to say today), and regular trips to the kitchen to keep body from drying out, and then the consequent trips to the other room to offload anything that was poured down my gullet (am convinced my body didn’t use any of it…..).

4:00: Get call from friend to offer free tickets to Dandy Warhols concert tonight. Consider how this will stuff up my already stuffed up schedule, think about it for 30sec, and decide that a wholesome dinner, reflective time, dishes, self maintenance, going to bed early etc can all wait. And because I’m the queen of procrastination, and don’t want to be robbed of this title, am sure that my decision to instead head out tonight and abandon my virtuous plans will see me keep my title for many years to come.

So now that I have a time limit in getting this sad tale written AND getting ready to venture out… crazy phobia about running out of time is staring me in the face, and I am ever so calmly trying to type despite feeling like there is a strobe lighting show going on in my head, and not rush around in a post electrocuted state, knocking over everything in my path… much crockery do I really need……..



Week 1…Day 6…Retirement false alarm… awkward

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I’m pretty sure I know how an athlete that wins a gold medal, then has to hand it back due to eating too many poppy seeds, and testing positive to opiates feels now…..My final day of employment was not in fact today….I once again have 2 more days left as a productive member of society before I start complaining about the neighbour’s overhanging trees. Thankfully they are not till next week, and I get to practice my early retirement for the rest of the week (5pm dinners here I come…). In order to keep embracing my new positive (the art of deceiving myself) outlook, I have handed back my shiny gold medal being cognitive of the fact that I will have some extra money to buy at least 150 more cans of tuna. It is also a fabulous lesson in something I’m completely pathetic at (which is unusual, because I’m so amazing at almost everything else…), which is delayed gratification. The very notion of putting off something you would prefer to do (read:almost anything else but go to work), and get through the necessary/mundane/kill me now activities that are essential to our well being/livelihood/stay out of jail ticket……well, it’s a rather horrific idea to be honest. I’m sure some killjoy came up with this one too….

But on this topic, I have managed to put it into practice twice today (yeah, I’ll take that gold medal back thank you very much). Ok, the first one doesn’t really count, because my foiled retirement plans were really just a mix up. The second one however… well, putting off slumping in front of that ridiculous source of entertainment (probably too strong a word), in toothpaste stained sleepwear, pretending my lounge is really a spaceship headed towards utopia, in favour (another strong word) of decking myself out in hideous active wear (what does inactive wear look like?), and reluctantly moving my overtired (yep, I partied with the possums again last night) body into a frenzy because this is what us human beings have to do in order to avoid resembling the voluminous mounds of ingredients we ingest, and looking after that pumping organ that also has the ability to attack us…..go figure…(should we be worried that we even go to sleep at night without some kind of brain dead, over muscled dude named Leroy to protect us against such attacks???). So not only did I engage in uninteresting activities in the name of vanity and the nurture of something I’m never going to see, I did it on the equivalent of 3hrs sleep (martyrdom or stupidity?….fine line really..). I’m pretty sure that the level of tiredness I reached today whilst being paid to be a dutiful employee hit an all time world record. I am doubtful that being spewed out of a volcano on a bed of molten rock into the arena of a military tattoo would have been adequate enough to rectify this problem.

So today, not only have I exercised this delayed gratification (aka do something really uninteresting before you do something fun) thing, but I have also eaten a piece of that ever so healthy (aka doughnut’s arch nemesis) fruit, and consequently smelt like a piece of citrus goodness for the rest of the day (why on earth they make soaps that help one resemble a fruit salad is beyond me…). I have also realised that it is probably a good idea to schedule (pre plan, get some order, organise), things (anything that I wish to avoid because I hate it) in, so that they are somewhat a priority (things that should be important to me). Unfortunately, scheduling in a root canal seems more pleasant than such activities as exercise, cleaning, getting up…etc etc…

Now, just to digress for a moment, because this heavy duty self improvement stuff is momentarily boring me, and I have no Ritalin to rectify it. I have a very important observation to share that has had me intrigued for a very long time. Shiny stuff!!!……why are humans soo obsessed with anything that reflects light and makes us resemble a mirror ball?? Are we all really the descendants of bowerbirds, and not apes after all?? Why do we feel the need to be adorned in anything that could possibly ruin the retinas of our fellow population fillers? Does it make one more desirable to the opposite sex, or does it just blind them so that they see an outline of us amid black spots?? Perhaps this is the key to procreation………Ok, digression over……my messy brain has now had time to unload some unimportant stuff……

Ok, back to the serious issues…..tomorrow I will endeavour to stick to some kind of unattainable schedule of waking up, exercising, cooking healthy meals, reading something helpful (Vogue is not helpful), cleaning any number of things (why is this not mentioned in that saying about assured things in life such as death and taxes??), and most likely lamenting all of the above…..and because I have the discipline of a toddler, I already anticipate that things may not go strictly to plan….but I have at least thought about it and envisaged how awesome it would be to actually achieve all of these goals…….but then, you don’t miss what you don’t know….


Week 1…Day 5…Scurvy or fruit?….I choose scurvy….

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I hate fruit!! There, I said it…and I don’t care if the national fruit board (I’m assuming such a thing exists..), conspire to make a fatal slip on a strategically placed banana skin look like an accident, or fix the brakes in the car I don’t have. I hate all fruit (yep, and I don’t discriminate), except bananas of course…but these don’t qualify as a fruit really….since they practically have the calories and carbohydrates to match a mars bar. I also don’t have anything against the fruit that chooses to hang out between layers of buttery pastry, or adorn themselves with any kind of sugary, syrupy, diabetic inducing topping….that includes you ice cream! Oh, and if it ends in the word ‘crumble’, well that’s ok too. Or if it’s pureed and fermented and stored in a glass bottle, and requires you to be over 18 to partake, well, then i will gladly be the world’s first international fruit ambassador!

I’m not sure why I have this prejudice against these supposedly sweet and succulent (the same adjectives that could also describe any number of patisserie items) earthly offspring, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I feel like they are consistently out to deceive me. I’ve lost count the amount of times one of these so called plump and juicy looking provocateurs has lured me into ripping that (extra clingy, can’t find the opening) plastic bag off the resistant roll at the supermarket, and rescuing them from the rest of their deceptive mates, only to get them home and face bitter disappointment. Not only do they not live up to their oh so pretentious claims, they have the audacity to show off occasional bruising, clearly the result of fisticuffs with all their fellow inmates, waiting for suckers like me to fall for their need to be rescued from overcrowding. I’m sure cannibals would be extremely disappointed if they got their human home to find they were in fact an easy bruising anaemic, and not the fit and healthy specimen they were promised….And to make matters worse, the bruises taste yuck! Then there’s those ones that obviously haven’t been looking after themselves, dried out, pithy, aesthetically inferior to their peers, and devoid of anything remotely beneficial to the human constitution. Okay, enough said, fruit and I will never be facebook friends, and like everything else in life that is supposedly good for us, I will continue for the rest of my sensible (remember:boring) life, to try and partake of them for the sake of my fabulous health (or wait for scientists to clone them in the form of a chocolate eclair), and avoid just having them as travel buddies that I cart around in my bag for days at a time, before terminating their sad little lives into any number of keen rubbish bins. Vegies are cool though…….

So, besides not eating fruit today, I have managed my second to last day of employment on more than 12mins sleep. The local possums had to paint the town red last night without me. No doubt I will be back in there with them, and the Abba repertoire in no time at all, but it really is amazing how one’s little brain (not exaggerating) can function (just) when it’s given the night off from processing all manner of useless crap that does not exclude such mysteries as how many soy sauce sachets that come with your sushi would it take to fill a bottle, and how many times is it physically possible for a teenager to use the word ‘like’ in a sentence???

Without making the rest of the apathetic population feel bad, I’ve also managed to exercise yet again, but have decided that this particular task is in fact quite an expensive (not to mention unfun, and I don’t care that that’s not even a word..) one when you add it all up, and one I really had not factored into my new spartan budget. Raising a sweat doesn’t make you smell like roses (rotting ones maybe). Sweating requires extra time spent hanging out with the shower…..this taps into my electricity (will have to give up using my vacuum cleaner as a trade off), visits to the washing machine to eradicate such nasty smells also become more frequent (do I really need a fridge….), not to mention the extra money poured into fancy washing powders that promise to make my clothes smell better than Channel no. 5 and softer than any fruit that’s lived in the bottom of my bag, and the general wear and tear on my practical (read:ugly) sporting garments that would fare so much better if they were left alone nicely folded (ok, in a scrunched up pile) in my cupboard. The promised benefits of this exercise caper had better pay off, or I will have spent 12 weeks partaking in an activity that is not only boring and annoying, but a contributing factor to an even tighter budget that includes social outings to the soup kitchen, and visits to JB Hifi to watch tv.

So on the eve of my retirement, I shall knock myself out with a cold shower, 17g tuna mixed nicely with 3 grains of rice (brown of course), and that fun game……’how many times can you spill toothpaste down your pyjamas’…..


Good fruit....

Bad fruit....

Week 1…Day 4….Unemployed is such an ugly word

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Ok…I had to recite Abba songs again for many tedious hours (sleeping is obviously for suckers)….boring, I consumed my salubrious (one step away from sainthood) diet  again….boring, I’m continuing to keep the vitamin companies wealthy….boring, I’ve moved enough to remind my heart to pump faster than a tortoise on valium…boring, and have awoken at a decent (pre noon) hour to toddle off to work….extra boring….Pity I got the days wrong then, and was actually meant to attend my second to last day of employment (before I officially retire) tomorrow……All that getting up extra early, ironing the 3cm of shirt that is visible under the jacket (pity it was the wrong 3cm…..considered rectifying this situation by taking iron to necessary area whilst still on, but also considered my desire to not be the recipient of a Darwin Award…freshly pressed clothes are so yesterday), and rushing around like an epileptic on speed, for no good reason.

So if I look on the bright side (which is what us virtuous optimistic types do), this scenario is not likely to happen again for a while, because I have 2 days of employment left before I dye my hair purple, unhitch the camper van, plot out the best counter meal stops nationally, and spend a year seeing all the sights this wonderful country has to offer at 5km/hr…don’t want to miss anything after all. So while some may see unemployment (aka retirement) as a negative, there are clearly a million different possibilities on how one can spend it. The downside however, is that in order to participate in such fun things as Bingo, pension day brawls or a nice Pimms out on the deck overlooking the treeless, grassless, concrete backyard, one must be sufficiently funded……so here comes my budget.

My original goal of an allocated $5 per week has been overthrown unfortunately, because I failed to consider that one banana will currently blow this budget (thanks a lot natural disasters…..). Now because this whole budget, living on draino and tap water (apparently it helps it go down quicker) thing is new to me, I have made a list of things I can substitute/go without/lament……

1)  Hairdressers – these will now be replaced by home hairdressing. I’ve watched these geniuses enough to know how to colour my own hair without also repainting my house and complexion……and cutting, well, it always grows back (there could be months of hibernation between these episodes).

2)  Going out – apparently there are lots of free things to do in Brisbane….and I do soo enjoy a wild Friday night at the municipal library, or even hanging outside cafes watching others enjoy the gastronomical delights of such fine dining. Ok, that may be a little creepy…

3)  Electricity – I’m sure there are ways I could use far less….is hot water, the microwave, and power for my hair straightener really that important???…yes, stuff it, it is……let’s leave this one alone…

4)  Self maintenance – do I really need all those magical (let’s deceive women into thinking these ridiculous long worded chemical containing placebos will do anything for their already crappy skin) products that promise me everything but room service?? Probably not. But if I’m to follow the advice of morning tv shows, and make my own, I will be spending the bulk of my grocery allowance on food that I can mash, stew and grind into face masks, only to be flushed down my already clogged drains. The upside of this is very nutritious sewage…..

5)  Food – now this is an easy one. There is not a thing you can’t do with the ever cheap, nutritious, delicious tuna!….Breakfast, lunch and tea, tuna’s your guy. Cheap, high in protein, low in taste and palatability…..but hey…, high in protein……This alongside, rice, eggs, the cheap rotting vegies that are being sold by the bag at day’s end, and of course the occasional piece of fruit…so long as it’s not the coveted banana…..

6)  Coffee – now this is a difficult one to reconcile…the whole event of going out for a $3.50 (or $50.00) coffee depending on where you live is such an exciting part of any sophisticated (ok, caffeine addicts) day. I know the jar of instant coffee perched on my grubby bench should suffice…but having some stranger make me such deliciousness and then pour it into a cool disposable cup so that I can emulate a character from Sex and the City as I sashay down the street….well, I don’t know if I can put a price on that…..perhaps I just need to sell a kidney to maintain this guilty pleasure…

7)  Alcohol – well this one’s easy…I will sell my kidney!!

So I think I’ve pretty much got this budget (read:poverty stricken cheapskate about to lose all social dignity) thing worked out, and I must say, am really looking forward to the challenge..(geez, not even I believe that last statement). Although, if I spend the bulk of my days sleeping (which is free I might mention), and resurrect myself in time for dinner (tuna no doubt), this could be quite the sustainable option for my new retirement. Until I get bored out of my skull of course (this could take approximately 2hrs), and feel the need to lash out and have an illicit affair with salmon instead……..

After a fabulous sleep tonight, I will leap out of bed before the birds have had time to orchestrate what annoying tune they will try and wake the dead from, throw on my crispy designer label exercise wear, pound the streets looking and feeling ever so glamourous (preferably in slow motion…looks better), feel amazing as I head up the path homeward bound, step out of the shower smelling like some swiss mountain just as the shower gel promised, adorn myself in fresh clothes akin to that of a luscious rainforest, and skip off to work thanking the universe………yep….and then I will eat my tuna…….

Everyone loves tuna.......even Virgil......

Week 1…Day 3….Insomnia….partying with the possums

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I’m pretty sure a goodnight’s sleep is possibly overrated…at least that is what I’m going to tell myself. I’m afraid that nonsense about early to bed, early to rise does not apply to me, and I’m sure it was the creation of some chirpy twit with no life. Trying to lead a new healthy, ordered, boring, sensible (which is just another name for boring) life, I am sampling this whole being in bed before dawn, and up before the better breakfast option is champagne and canapes…..and well….it’s not working. Insomnia my arch nemesis keeps coming out to play, leaving me with a million dark hours to try and recite all the words to every Abba song ever written, and figure out why not all the loose hair hanging out on my carpet attaches to my socks (are some being rejected?). Sleep eventually ensues at some ridiculous hour of course (otherwise I’m signing up for the guinness book of records), but apparently sleeping the day away is considered wasteful (I know, there are all those mountains to climb and great outdoors to soo keenly explore). It’s certainly not conducive to breakfast catch ups, or lunch for that matter, and when one finally does arise out of these regular daytime comas, one is usually disoriented and not unlike the alzheimers patient that has stepped out of the nursing home for a little stroll.

So today has been somewhat..short! Not that there’s anything wrong with that really…less time to stuff up (I’m making lemonade all over the place on this journey). I’ve even managed to exercise, now that my pesky little head cold seems to have abandoned ship (I’m sure it got sick of me talking about it, and of course the super duper healthy/boring diet, and popping vitamin C like a crack addict). I am also the proud (in pain) bearer of a nice case of the DOMS (for those fortunate enough not to know what this stands for, it’s Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness or more appropriately Don’t Overdo the Muscles Stupid!). Yes, at some stage throughout history, a sadistic genius decided that since we don’t use our muscles very much, we need to stress them by doing some form of weight bearing (also known as, stress the crap out of your muscles doing really repetitive boring exercises that will cut nicely into your drinking time) exercises to keep them nicely toned (if you can find them first), and something about keeping those things that make up our frame from crumbling and turning us into Quasimodo (which is highly inconvenient when trying to strut the catwalk) nice and strong. So after doing some of these unexciting exercises last night, I have not only stumbled out of bed just in time for dinner this afternoon, but with a body that I was convinced had been done over by the mafia during my few hours of sleep. This of course is a small price to pay for the endless benefits (oh yes, the sensible/boring benefits), and the newly acquired, been riding a horse for 3000 hrs gait, which should wear off in a few days I’m sure. Unfortunately, if anything gets dropped on the floor over this time, it will also remain there, in order to avoid rigor mortis.

There is however an advantage to never seeing the daylight hours….and of course that is the avoidance of that giant orange thing that apparently turns your plum of a face into a prune (kind of a miracle like turning the water into wine really). If this theory is true, then here’s to retaining a juicy plump purple face……oh wait, that doesn’t sound that great. I think just avoiding daytime viewing on tv is a big enough incentive to never get up before sunset. But unfortunately, no matter how late I get up, this atrocity seems to keep being repeated. Because I’m in constant need of visual stimulation (remember…ADHD, scatterbrain….), the muted version of daytime tv makes it only mildly more palatable, and has provided me with an endless landscape of outdated sitcoms, soap operas that have so much soft focus I’m convinced they’re all shot in a steam room, and enough cooking shows to qualify me as a 5 star chef. Of course I shouldn’t discriminate…..night time tv is in there with a shot……and how would I learn about which chopping board is the least likely to harbor nasty little critters, or that there is indeed awards for everything on this planet, including truck driver of the year…..what???…soo I’ve clearly been watching too much tv…..

So while it looks like the only things I’ve done today are sleep, watch tv and exercise, this is in fact very far (ok, not that far) from the truth. I have also enjoyed getting bogged down with the horrendous amount of passwords I have. Every now and then my slightly shriveled brain decides to evict some of the passwords I have for any given number of things from my memory. This frequent practice is highly annoying and makes me wonder if my brain and I are really a team at all. Having to reset password after password, then be told that it’s either been taken (how could it be when I made up that word smarty pants?), not strong enough (yes, because I’m also going to be using it as a bodyguard), has already previously been used (well of course it has, and I liked it back then too…), or not long enough (well if we could keep them short, maybe I wouldn’t forget the darn thing again). I’m assuming that the brain’s ability to commit such evil acts is akin to that spring clean you hear about people doing, where they get rid of the old, and replace it with something new and more inspiring (can’t say I’ve ever really mastered this fun experience), and not just a case of it casually overhearing you mention your upcoming birthday, and deciding that along with the physical decay, it would be fun to leave huge gaping holes in your memory.

Now…since I’ve been up for what feels like half an hour, and I have to get at least some sleep tonight in order to get up for work tomorrow…I may need to bring out the big guns…..


If this doesn't put me to sleep, nothing will......

Week 1..Day 2…….Living in infomercial heaven

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Wow….day 2 already?? Where does time go??  At least that’s what the new improved optimistic me would say. I’m turning my lemons into a giant lemonade factory. Soooo.. no surprises that I didn’t in fact wake up ready to run the Boston Marathon……but I did manage to wake up early enough to be inundated (I could find a career as a trashy news journalist if I keep using this word) with a smorgasboard of ever so informative infomercials on morning tv (I’ve really been missing out on this joyful experience far too long). I think it’s important to learn something new everyday, and today, well my head could literally explode with the useless crap that my sluggish morning brain tried to assimilate.

So far today, I have learnt that I needn’t put up with pesky underwire bras ANYMORE, when there are ones out their available to me that are not only sooo comfortable (which in advertising terms, is another word for hideous), I may as well be draped in silk worms, but are also the aesthetic equivalent of a bandaged head injury. I also learnt that if I lose the job that I don’t have, I can get someone to pay me money while I pretend to look for another one, but then that problem could also be solved if I indeed purchased the coffee maker franchise business where I only need to turn up once a week to maintain the thing, and spend the rest of my time kicking back just waiting for all the caffeine addicts to pay my bills. But since kicking back is not great for the waist line, I will have to Zumba my way over to the new and improved ab cardio monstrosities that will double nicely as clothes racks/beer holders/weapons……then cook up my fat free, taste free meal in the magical non stick pan endorsed by the fat dude. And if all this is not enough to get me looking great, the acne lotion designed for 12yr olds and celebrities, alongside the magic face powder that does everything but open heart surgery, should. It’s just a good thing I don’t own a credit card, because the dyslexic robots endorsing these necessary products get me every time….

Ok, so I got a bit distracted this morning, and will just have to blame it on the lingering head cold, (which incidentally if I were male, would probably be booking myself into the intensive care unit at the local hospital….no offense men!!), and the avoidance of making eye contact with the treadmill. Nevertheless, after my early morning education, I once again crawled onto the machine that is probably  just mocking me at the moment, and proceeded to do the zombie walk. This was done on a few occasions today (nothing like bite size pieces….or laziness…whatever….), and whilst I won’t be winning athlete of the year yet, I also won’t be earning that coveted pensioner of the year title either. And lets not dismiss the healthy (absence of fun) eating and supplementation that I have now been consistent with for 2 consecutive days….in fact it’s now clearly becoming such a way of life, that I needn’t mention it anymore….

On this journey of self discovery, I have decided that my head is far too messy. Focussing on any one thought for more than 60 seconds is like combing your hair in a tornado…as soon as I start to get a nice side part, it’s blown back into a bum part, and I look like Nana Mouskouri’s love child (metaphorically speaking of course). Surely thoughts aren’t meant to be this jumbled?? Surely Ritalin isn’t my only option?? It certainly makes for some fun (read:retarded) thought processes and decision making…..”yes, I will have the steak and popcorn for dinner……no that’s ridiculous, popcorn…what??……nooo…..I do like twisties….though..perhaps steak, twisties and some kind of green vegetable??…….right yep….sounds good, do I even have a green vegetable?………hey,  how did that stain get on the carpet?…I wonder if anything will remove it?…..geez I have a lot of cleaning products….oh I love the ad for that one…..wonder what’s on tv??……I guess I could google and find out……oooh look at the pretty picture google has up today……it must be a special themed one….oh crap, it’s in honor of mothers day……better ring my mum”. Sooo long dinner…..

No wonder I can’t settle on one dynamic high flying career path (ok, just a job that pays ok will do), brand of skincare, tv channel to watch (especially being spoiled for choice with a myriad of equally unexciting viewing) etc etc…..but when I do every now and then make one of these elusive decisions, it’s like that feeling you get when you’re vacuuming and you accidently suck up a large clunky object that could very well be your great grandmother’s wedding ring. It’s shocking, yet somewhat satisfying all at the same time. So in a bid to try and suck up lots of family heirlooms with my fairly insipid vacuum cleaner, my goal is to try and make decisions without too much overthinking. Having said that, I’m now analysing how this might play out and what all my choices are….

Soo……here are some definite decisions I have made today and will be sticking to…..Before my 40th birthday, I will NOT:

1. Climb some ridiculously steep mountain in order to feel like there is some inner adventurer in me that needs to come out

2. Leap out of a small aircraft resembling a puffed up bumble bee, in tandem with some adrenalin junkie

3. Roll over the 3000 superannuation funds I have into 1…..this can surely wait till I’m 40 (but I will open the mail..)

4. Purchase/look at/wear one of those ever so comfortable Snuggies (or join the Snuggie choir for that matter) that could put an end to procreation everywhere if ever mandated as a national costume

……. I’m feeling pretty confident too I must admit that I will indeed achieve these goals……….but who knows if tomorrow I feel an overwhelming desire to go crazy, pop on that cute oversized blanket with sleeves and scale Mt Everest….I’m only human…….

Comfortable AND flattering…….yeah, so are neck braces


Week 1..Day 1……..Are we there yet?

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Yep...that should stop me!!

And here it is….the very beginning, and what a great start to my journey crawling out of bed at noon with a lousy head cold! Although, this was technically trumped in the preceding hours, with insomnia followed by hallucinogenic dreams involving the ingestion of large quantities of gravel…..if anyone needs a new pathway …..Ok, so this is just a minor obstacle, albeit a rather unmotivating one, but when life deals you lemons, apparently the ever so optimistic thing to do is make lemonade (and hopefully infuse it with vodka). So my lemonade (minus the vodka) saw me spring (ok, stumble) out of bed and eat my super healthy breakfast, chug down 20,000 supplements that are mixing nicely with the gravel, and go for a very light (think nursing home shuffle…..hell I was still wearing my pyjamas) stroll on my neglected but ever faithful treadmill, amid coughing, spluttering and the excessive noise of the pity party inside my head.

Now since strolling like the walking dead on a treadmill doesn’t really count as exercise, I dragged myself onto it for round 2 a bit later when the crusty sleep finally left my puffy eyes. Still in my pyjamas, but hey, it’s still better than curling up with a good book on it, or heaven forbid, using it as a fun conveyer belt and watch all manner of breakable products fall off it ….now that would be just silly….I have also managed to stick to good healthy (read: boring) food today even though being sick can sometimes make you feel that it is your constitutional right to be lavished in every nutrient starved delicious toxic fattening sugary carbohydrate comfort food…….But not me…I managed to chow down on everything that my thankful body screamed out for…I’m sure I will become desensitized to these annoying screams in time and manage to ignore them along with the ones that remind me to find a great job etc etc.

Okay, so today hasn’t been an epic fail (at least that’s what I’m going to tell myself anyway). Having not left the house has also ensured I have spent no money (I say this now, but who knows what seductive delicacies await me on ebay later), done some pesky housework (can see the kitchen sink again..yay), imbibed an ocean’s worth of water, and thought about all the crazy phobias/neuroses/obstacles I will try and tackle in order to become a well adjusted Homo sapien (if these do indeed exist). Unfortunately there are so many that I fear I should have started this journey at 6mths of age….but no, I was caught up in that whole mastering solid food and crawling caper……ahh hindsight.

Now, because there is a 40,000 word thesis on these alone, and I’m sure there is a word count limit on these posts somewhere, I will have to tackle them in bite size pieces (nutritious ones of course). I also think if I mentioned every single one of them in one hit, the rest of this journey may be within the confines of some really quaint white (but nicely padded) walls, living it up on valium and scrabble. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but I do so hate white…..

Soo, I will start with one weird phobia, that I’m sure has a fancy unpronounceable name that nobody’s heard of or even wants to, and it causes me to live my life like I’m constantly running late for a job interview. An overwhelming fear that I’m running out of time to do any and everything. Quite ridiculous really. I wish you could pick your phobias….there are soo many cooler ones than this. It’s rather exhausting doing everything so quickly and haphazardly all the time. Resembling Road Runner being chased by Coyote when cooking or cleaning (thank goodness I don’t do much of either), is one sure fire way to be wrongly detained for drug possession. Living like a suicide bomber about to go off though does have its benefits. I can get a million things done in a short amount of time….I just choose not to. But think how productive I could be? The options are limitless. I guess laziness prevails over some phobias….very yin and yang if you will…..Now to tackle this ridiculous way of living. No doubt there’s some holy grail of a book, meditation technique that involves planking, or drugged out hippy guru somewhere that will provide me with some superb tools that see me slow down to the speed of a footballer’s speech in no time. Will keep you posted.

Whilst today is not technically over yet, and there is probably still too many hours left to do some damage, I can only assume that tomorrow I am miraculously going to wake up minus a headcold, on top of the world, ready to run half way to Sydney, craving asparagus.  If this is not the case, I guess tomorrow could very well be a repeat of today. Thank goodness I committed myself to a 12 week challenge and not a 2 day one!! Here’s to day 2……..


Soo many supplements...soo little time...Mr Vit C was very camera shy