Herein lies today’s proposed schedule:
8am: Get up (quite ambitious really)
8.30: Healthy breakfast of champions (champion chess player? champion twit?…) Not sure what I was going to be doing between 8 and 8.30….no doubt staring at this enterprising schedule in shock…
9.30: (yes, because it takes 60mins to eat a champion’s breakfast) Seek out sweaty exercise wear, think of every other activity I would prefer to do than the imminent task of moving my sluggish body, refocus, adorn myself in aforementioned hideous wear.
10.00 – 11.00: (yep, that whole process is at least 30mins of procrastination) Start pumping stagnant blood around disgruntled body, whilst taking in yet more housewife tv viewing, and learn that the average funeral costs $6550…..(I plan to at least get that down to $6500 when my turn comes), and that there are moisturisers that will keep my skin supple and and as dewy as a dog’s nose for 24hrs…not 23, not 25, but the perfect 24! What a coincidence that there are also 24hrs in one day! Sometimes all the planets in the universe really do align.
11.00: Rid myself of any trace of overactivity with refreshing shower (not too long, and preferably cold….budget budget budget..).
11.30-12.30: A quick tidy up of anything that is causing me to step over it, into it or under it, and evacuation of any rubbish that should have been removed yesterday in time for those lovely folk that pop round every Tuesday morning, ever so quietly, and kindly suck the contents out of our plastic eyesores on wheels, with lids that obviously don’t want to be attached, and ever so gently catapulting them back onto the footpath, preferably taking half the bonnet off the neighbouring car in the process…
12.30-1.00: Lunch……one of many 20,000 different recipes that include tuna as the star.
1.00-4:00: Become more learned (and this does not include tv, womans day, kmart catalogues, or you tube..)by reading insightful material that will encourage my little brain to grow into a giant (almost tumor like) mound of smartness.
4.00-5:00: Me time. Aka do whatever the heck I feel like doing because I’ve earned it after sticking to such a disciplined schedule. (Pretty sure I can stick to this one).
5:00-6:00: Think about, plan out, check if even have ingredients for, and start preparing healthy, living the dream, dinner. (Aka get overwhelmed, change mind 65 times, dream about preferred choice of dinner, make a phenomenal mess in the kitchen).
6:00-6:30: Let dinner rest…delayed gratification. Clean up mess from cooking adventure on speed.
6:30-7:30: Eat dinner slowly, chewing every mouthful enough times so that my stomach is convinced I have actually used my teeth, and that the food parcels entering it are actually edible matter, and not that of a drug mule.
7:30 and onwards: Write down failings in an online diary for all to read, minimal tv viewing, and brief catch up with other humans through social networking sites that will not take up too much of my time.
11:00: Bedtime! Clean and floss teeth (so that they bleed a little more), slap on 23 layers of face and eye creams to ensure pillowcase has enough grip to stay put all night, put on overworn sleepwear and get into freshly made bed (there are of course different definitions of this)
11:15: Fall into a deep refreshing rejuvenating sleep for exactly 8hrs!!!!
Herein lies today’s actual schedule:
10:15: Woken up by noisy bird. Try to look at time on clock through bleary eyes. Pat self on back that am still in there with a breakfast shot. Ponder how cold it is, and decide that breakfast is in fact quite overrated.
11:00: Decide am hungry enough to make the pilgrimage to the kitchen before lunch time, after all. Do the cold morning shuffle (which could really take off as a new dance craze), on the extra cold linoleum floor despite wearing hairy socks, picking up previous night’s dropped food remnants with it.
11:20-12:00: Cook and eat breakfast, and wonder what time is too soon to have a nap.
12.00: Decide Dr Phil is not offering me anything insightful today, and take this as a sign that it may be nap time.
2:00pm: Yep, wake up from 2hr nap!!! (Pretty sure I’m going to suit this retirement lifestyle). Repeat the 11:00 ritual, except this time for afternoon tea.
2:20: Healthy snack (I obviously worked up a real appetite in the 2hr nap), force self into the ever hopeful exercise wear, and actually move the slothful body. This is then carried out in spurts for 9omins….due to laziness (gets me everytime), distractions (ok, Dr Oz had some really interesting things to say today), and regular trips to the kitchen to keep body from drying out, and then the consequent trips to the other room to offload anything that was poured down my gullet (am convinced my body didn’t use any of it…..).
4:00: Get call from friend to offer free tickets to Dandy Warhols concert tonight. Consider how this will stuff up my already stuffed up schedule, think about it for 30sec, and decide that a wholesome dinner, reflective time, dishes, self maintenance, going to bed early etc can all wait. And because I’m the queen of procrastination, and don’t want to be robbed of this title, am sure that my decision to instead head out tonight and abandon my virtuous plans will see me keep my title for many years to come.
So now that I have a time limit in getting this sad tale written AND getting ready to venture out…..my crazy phobia about running out of time is staring me in the face, and I am ever so calmly trying to type despite feeling like there is a strobe lighting show going on in my head, and not rush around in a post electrocuted state, knocking over everything in my path…..how much crockery do I really need……..