RSS Feed

Let’s finally wrap this awkward journey up…….thank me later…….

Right. I have successfully survived almost 2 days in this new age bracket, and am today lucid enough to wrap up my pilgrimage to maturity, before it becomes something that is just a distant archive…….

Sooooooo, over the last 12 weeks, I have endeavoured (I REFUSE to use the American spelling…..and I don’t care that spellcheck continues to underline this in red!!! leave.me.alone.), to come to terms with leaving behind those magical 30’s (whatever the hell that means..), in order to enter a whole other decade that for the most part, seems to broadcast youth extermination. I initially also set out to find some mystical methods for turning back the cruel hands of time, and become a well adjusted, mature human being. Achieving goals is so overrated!!!!!

I would love to say that I have erased 10 years off my appearance with a very budget friendly, easy to apply cream (without also morphing into a thunderbird lookalike….), developed a passion for daily affairs with terry the treadmill, consistently eaten food that doesn’t have a 20 year expiry date, have learnt to not carry out every task in life resembling a manic epileptic, have embraced all the beige uninteresting aspects that make a night out at the state library seem fun, worked tirelessly on eradicating insane phobias and neuroses that allow me to at least make peace with rebellious hairs that prefer my socks to my head, and given the homeless a run for their money with my spartan living. Fail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess 12 weeks really isn’t long enough after all. 12 years…maybe. It is not all bleak however. I have stuck to something longer than Justin Beiber’s potential career, and am now able to enjoy the fact that EVERY night is now no longer dictated by superfluous documentation of not much. I have also learnt a lot (perhaps too much), about myself, and am cognisant of a million more things to work on……I aim to be a highly developed youthful looking being at my budget funeral……no flowers please…

Now, because I have fallen in love with lists, it seems quite apt to exploit this fun cataloguing system one more time to get my extremely important points across………..

12 weeks……….lessons learnt (a very short list)

Maintenance IS important. Whether it be yourself, or stuff, not attending to such matters means extra frustration and public humiliation. Whilst stained clothing, dust (aka dead skin cells) coated everything, and unkempt body parts may sound like the quintessential good time, the consequences are a real drag. If I look hard enough, I’m sure the dust mites haven’t completely taken over my bookshelves………who needs books anyway??

Exercise and healthy eating hate the whole flirting scene. Unfortunately this duo is rather demanding, and favours the long term affair over the casual fling. This does not suit me one bit, but obviously this is irrelevant. So what if I like to just dabble in the two…..one week on, three weeks off…..sooo………..this will be a continued work in progress…

Just when you thought YOUR diet was bad...........

...Although, even healthy food gets the shits.........

Some things are out of our control. Actually lots of things are, but to make this final post not soooo suicide provoking, I shall embrace the word ‘some’. Deficient brain chemicals can be a real bitch (no offense to any bitches…), and can make any naive attempts at betterment, at times, an insurmountable pain in the ass. Waking up with the intention to embrace tasteless breakfast and mind numbing exercise, with the overwhelming sensation to instead remain horizontal thinking up special names for your toes and toast crumbs, is not something that even the best event’s planner could organise, and can really throw a life sized seagull offering on any potential good day. Yes, there are ways to deal with this, but finding the right one can be almost as horrendous as the whole counting toes caper…..hmmmmmm, choices……

Ok........I don't hate exercise that much........

Devolution. This is a natural consequence of being on the planet, and requires intervention. Unfortunately we don’t just get better and more highly evolved as we get older, unless we employ super duper tools to do so. This is soo sad. Why can’t we just magically bloom, and lose every crazy idiosynchrasy purely based on aging cells. I’m learning this the hard way, and now realise that in order to lose stalking loose hair phobias, or neuroses regarding fellow humans standing (or sitting, not discriminating..), behind me, doing a frizzy hair count….there is a LOT of hard work involved, and doesn’t come with sick pay or superannuation…….

For everything crap thing about life and humans, there are also the great things…..and animals seem to do a nice job convincing me of this fact. If only I was born an alpaca……the life I could currently be having……Ok, I’m sure they have their issues too, and being used for my fabulous coating to manufacture gloves and scarves, and accused of frequent spitting, would really get me down. Having this lovely species around though, makes life sometimes seem a tad lovely, and being surrounded by such cuteness regularly, makes one temporarily forget about the crap human that thinks driving too slow warrants a fatal beating.

Now, I’m sure I have learnt a lot more than this in 12 weeks……..Actually, I really hope I have. No doubt I will discover these as time goes by, and I develop into that mature human being that adores chit chat about the economy, and why dinner before dessert is really in my best adult interest, and in no way negotiable………Oh.dear.

So, good bye 30’s, hello 40’s. Youth is so overrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End.

Fi

I guess I really have achieved my goals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only ELO could write a song about this topic.............

P.S. Thanks to all, for sharing this delightful journey with me, and let’s hope you find something equally ridiculous and uneventful to replace these daily meanderings with…..I guess the television does serve a societal purpose after all……….

I Made it…………..I’m 40………and I didn’t implode…………..Hello world….

And because I have celebrated this auspicious occasion too eagerly………I am in no state to document it………..stay tuned for tomorrow’s delayed run down…………………or not…….

Whatever......deluded girlfriend..................

 

Week 12…..Day 7…..All good things must come to an end…..insert tantrum and misbehaviour……..

Oh hell............looking down the barrel of 40.............

One more day of being in the lovely 30’s, and then it’s all over……..tomorrow, I enter that new decade where I’m really meant to get excited by Will Kits and official mail……..I don’t think I’m ready….There must be some houses that need pelted rocks and egging tonight somewhere??? Okay, slightly dramatic………..but I don’t like the number 4…….I don’t like this one little bit!!!!! Too bad….suck it up 39yr old………tomorrow marks a new era (and quite possibly more pathetic than the last……).

I have proof that this works...............

So clearly, all good and workable things come to an end at some point. I’m sure I was starting to catch onto this whole 30’s gig recently…….Whatever the case, I will really need to embrace the next decade and keep my lamenting to my newly aged self…..So what if I have to reach lower to moisturise body parts, or avoid smiling……..(ok, what a lot of ridiculous crap…..). Bring on the fabulous 40’s……………and any day now, I will embrace this very concept…..

Tonight is kind of like Christmas eve, without the excitement and anticipation of something great the next day (ok, nothing like Christmas eve at all…….and if Santa shows up, I will be most suspicious, and no doubt call the cops……).Tonight is like preparing for death row?? Ok, that is also not correct. I see no delicious roast pumpkin or lasagne in sight for my last meal. Who cares, tomorrow, I shall wake up, be older (so what, everyone is…), but more aware of this fact because some idiot decided to count down to such a journey…….It’s just a number after all……albeit a really biggish one……

Geez Louise (who ever she is???, but she sure gets mentioned a lot…), so what if you enter another decade?? There should be some kind of medal given for getting to said destination without losing ALL brain cells………….(hopefully I qualify for this….).

Right, now time for truth………..I’m not sad to be ending this daily crap, because it really is a lot of work, and spending my nights trying to make my days appear more interesting, should really win me some kind of fictitious writer’s award. I have also documented the worst 3 months of my life, which is good and bad. No doubt I will be reading this shlock back over the next few months (if I get that desperate and hard up for reading material), and hopefully pleased that this was just a 3 month blip, and glad that I am sooo much wiser and mature (being 40 and all..), to have moved on…..(My new blog……40 and beyond is sure to be sensational………)..

So on my second to last post…..(because we all need to know if I actually turn into some deteriorating pumpkin tomorrow……and I aim to broadcast the facts…..), I have nothing new, I can’t be bothered, and my stress levels regarding the coming of age are now paramount………..here’s to keeping things to yourself……….let that be a lesson to all you potential bloggers/honest peeps……

Fi

Yep, warning..........who the hell knows what happens afterwards........

Week 12……Day 6…..Miracles…..pfft…..Nothing beats suffering and complaining……..

Miracle: “a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences.”

I think this may very well be what is lacking in my life……unless getting out of bed before noon fits this description…which means I have today been granted one, and will most likely have to make some pilgrimage to some deity somewhere, to express my gratitude…..yep, thanks heaps…..I owe you one….

Now, I realise miracles happen everyday to lots of people, and I’m very happy for them. In fact, they not only happen to living beings, but, inanimate stuff….and I have proof. On a very reputable current affairs show (exploring only the hard hitting issues…), there appears to now be a ‘miracle’ dress. That is correct. One dress, 20,000 different ways to wear it. One dress, throw out the rest of your wardrobe. Who cares if your friends get sick of seeing your daily reconfigurations of the sassy red lycra. Who cares if your body doesn’t event suit red lycra. When they come complaining to you about their limited wardrobe space, and endless laundry hours, who’ll be the one having the last laugh in their versatile strapless bandage?? Sassy and frugal……..win win….

I guess you could deem so called ‘makeovers’, rather miraculous too. Having body parts sucked, dyed, painted, chiseled, plumped, paralysed, and reconstructed, to emerge as an adolescent muppet really is quite a miracle. Nobody said miraculous outcomes were necessarily favourable (or fit for human consumption….).

The fact that Spam (yes, that gelatinous vomit in a can), is still on the market, and obviously being consumed by enough people (with missing taste buds and brain cells no doubt), to keep it a purchasable product, has got to also be considered a miracle???? Although referring back to my assignment type quote at beginning of this piece of literary fun, the outcome is supposedly welcome consequences. I have my doubts with this one…….

Inhaling 3000 calories after a big night out, and having no recollection of such an event. Surely this is a miracle?? And a very sad realisation all at the same time…….But let’s not negate the miraculousness of such a feat, and the body’s ability to absorb the 10 kebabs and fries with such finesse………..

Observing yet ANOTHER music video clip with half dressed gyrating women pretending to adore idiot singing male (who appears to be earnest, but is no doubt more concerned more about bad hair day), and not topping self. This has miracle written all over it. If there was ever an antithesis to intelligence and self respect, surely this is it (well, one of many..). Does anyone really enjoy this ridiculous crap?? Clearly they do, or I wouldn’t be featuring it in my ‘miracle’ rant. Again, not sure about the whole welcome consequences deal on this miracle…..

Ok, enough about miracles. Although, the fact that I’m still writing this stuff is a miracle in itself. I’m thinking that starring in a music clip in hot pants, and pretending to find some idiotic bonehead desirable, may be more appealing……..Warning: please do not take this last sentence seriously…….or I will have to really delete this blog from cyberspace……..

Unfortunately, despite this being so close to the end, I still have nothing fabulous worth reporting, and am yet again resorting to ridiculous observations about stuff that perhaps only I’m interested in…and sometimes I’m over it too……….

So, my lesson for the day, despite this whole miracle caper, which I’d really love to be party to, is some very timely advice from mr television doctor……”you can’t put off getting healthy.” Although, I do like procrastinating……..and I must admit, this weekend I have committed nutrition suicide and not given a second thought to the demanding needs of my body………..nag nag nag……But I’m still here to tell the tale, and despite being at loggerheads with all that matter attached to my neck, I have earnestly tried to indulge it today………some things are just really hard to please…….

Ok, THIS (beer pie) is nutrition suicide.........my feats were just a weak attempt.......

I now have ONE more day left in my 30’s and I’m not closer to finding any youth elixirs, or miracle cures for sending me back to my insecure acne filled teens (those were the days…..). The whole wisdom/maturity thing hasn’t really taken off either, and I may very well wake up in 2 days time and just be a somewhat older version of me………oh hell………this is rather frightening and realistic……..Thankfully denial and I are BFF’s……..

Perhaps my miracle will take place in the next 48hrs…………Although I think I have a better chance of abseiling down the Eiffel Tower in cellophane…….

Fi

Smiling family portrait with the old vertebrae thrown in for good measure.......miracle no, deranged yes........

Week 12…….Day 5……Time to reflect on……….very little…. I do what I can……

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, soooooo much time, and sooooooooooo little to say……..I guess I now know how a fruit wedding cake feels when everyone pretends to indulge in your goodness, purely for the delectable icing…….actually, this is completely irrelevant, but just another side thought I had…Still, the icing really is the star of the show, and should probably get it’s own reality tv show………..Pretty sure I’d tune in….and tune out after 30 seconds……….

I don’t even know how to pretend that I have anything worth conveying tonight. And I really should, because this is my final Sunday post, so it should be fabulous, eventful, and unforgettable. Instead, it will be short, uneventful, and completely forgettable………Perhaps it’s not a coincidence that Sundays and sucks start with the same letter………ok, it most likely is…….

Sooooooooo, how about a bit of reflection……………..when tv shows run out of inspiring story lines, they always resort to montages of previous ridiculous episodes, featuring youthful cast members to some emotive 80’s soundtrack……..I don’t have the skills to provide such a soundtrack, but if you have a cool tape deck, please feel free to crank the thing, and come with me on a very sad journey……

Actually, now that we’re here reflecting to the soundtrack of Duran Duran, I have conveniently forgotten everything I was going to dwell on, and am completely immersed in the fact that 80’s hairstyles really did defy the law of physics, and how that Newton guy must have been very pleased with himself back in the early 1700’s (ok, he wasn’t alive to witness such experiments….), to know the impact he has made on grooming among other things……the good ones always die so young…..(ok, he was 84….not so young I guess….).

Since I only have 3 days left after this pitiful post, I’m thinking a montage of lovely visual things might be the way to go…….it’s a win win really………..less useless talk, and more visual stimulation……….who doesn’t want that?? (No doubt lots of people , but who cares about them???).

Sometimes…….there are not enough words to articulate thoughts………..thank the lord for google images……

Sooo sad.....yet sooo relatable.............

Anything penguins do is bound to be cute......who even cares if they're plotting a massacre........cute........

If I was fluffy and cute.....sleep deprivation would mean a cute photo.....not puffy eyes and grumpiness.......

Could this be any more adorable???.........

Not ironic.........a great possibility..........

I guess this could possibly be my epitaph.............yikes.......

I’m sure we are all now visually stimulated, and ready to now click onto other sites that enable us to observe what the rest of our friends are watching on tv, or preparing to devour………how the hell did we live our lives without this daily knowledge?????

So…………..3 days left of this daily nonsense, and then nobody need ever hear from me again……because after 40, I’m sure I will be just spending time in frumpy clothing shops and any other place not worth mentioning (yes, I’m exaggerating…..). Not to mention all the botox, lip plumping, cellulite sucking visits that are sure to take up a big bulk of my time………I sooooooooo don’t have time for a job………….and if I do get one……they need to factor all this extra curricular crap into their employment deal……..I feel tired already…….paper bags and kaftans here I come………

Right. no more negativity. I should be just grateful that I have made it past adolescence without the acne and insecurities that accompany this grand timeframe………….Ok, the acne is no longer there……….yay for wrinkles instead…….Is life just trying to make us look hideous at every stage??? Surely this goes against the whole procreation thingy???? I’m now very confused……

Time to end the misery for those of us writing this drivel, and those of you reading it…………we are all clearly up for the martyrdom award……..I so hope it comes with a really tacky faux gold figurine that I can place on some elevated landing that nobody (including me), cares about……What’s a garage sale without hideous statues that mean nothing to anyone???

Soooooo, 3 more days left of 30’s fun (actually 2, to be technically correct…). I guess I now only have 2 days left to live on fairy bread, and throw tantrums in public regarding confectionary needs not being met…….(yes, again I’m embellishing………these tantrums are always within private premises……).

Here’s to a great week ahead where I turn into a 40yr old chick who is that much older and wiser. I should really be writing for some tabloid magazine at this rate………….

Fi

Please replace working with "thinking'........thank you....

Week 12…..Day 4….It’s human day……roll up for the appendage showbag….

Noooo......but I do now.........

According to my ever informative facebook, on this day, exactly one year ago, I wrote some useless shlock as my status update, and they would like to remind me of this event. How kind. And also, how special. It’s up there with comparing you to some legend in history who ‘on this day’, invented the beer tap, or swam their way around the world in a shark costume (ok, made this one up..). I must admit, I did feel a tad famous for .3 seconds. I’m clearly easily impressed….

So this has now set into motion a whole cascade of thoughts (yep, still haven’t had the ritalin prescription filled yet…), regarding how each day, (all 24hrs), can be a really special one worth remembering in years to come, or just another repeat of the previous one….This is quite exciting and depressing all at the same time. Fortunately, sometimes special days are bestowed upon us, and we are instructed to make good use of them. There’s still room for squandering even these ones though……

Now besides birthdays and anniversaries (and let’s face it, we can probably celebrate the anniversary of anything really:relationships of course, followed by deaths, the day you let yourself go, the marathon you didn’t finish, when your house burnt down, your first anaphylactic episode from turnips etc etc…), let’s not forget all the special days we celebrate as a society, and the other ones we should be celebrating……

Obviously, throughout the calendar year, we have days set aside to indulge certain people and events. Mothers, fathers, Jesus (he gets Easter AND Christmas…), workers, some chick in a palace in another country, the country, a really expensive show, and some naked boy with arrows trying to put an end to singlehood everywhere…All of these are to be celebrated to some extent, and will often require financial backing and at times a little guilt…

Since there are 365 days in a year, I’m thinking that we could possibly add a few more days to celebrate, because some of the aforementioned ones may not include everyone, and I would like to think that we are a rather inclusive society, where everyone is accounted for. I mean, what about the single unemployed orphaned atheist anti monarchist immigrant who hates going to the local show?? What good are any of these special days???

Perhaps that naked cupid boy day should be abolished......

Right, so I have come up with a few more days that should possibly be considered, and at the very least, have some referendum on the issue…

Human body day. Everyone can relate to this (unless you are just stem cells in a test tube….but hopefully you won’t really care at this point..). Why not a day to celebrate the fact that we have matter to navigate our way around the planet, and something to also mistreat, and inadvertently turn on us at anytime? I’m sure cannibals would love it. I can already see the supermarket cashing in on cheap sponge cakes in anatomical configurations….

Animal day. If we get to celebrate all that is human, why not also a special day for the cute beings amongst us? I’m sure they tire of us celebrating any given day with cake, beer or chocolate just because we’re alive. Celebrating this day with crap cake in animal shapes though would not be appropriate…

Adult day. I don’t care if there is already an allocated day for mummys and daddys, some of us adults aren’t in either category. How about a day to just celebrate the fact we made it out of childhood (without being bullied to death regarding braces, cruel name, or bed wetting hobby), surely this is something to be congratulated? This could also commemorate a day where the word ‘adult’ is used without alluding to any risque activity purely because you’re over 18….Adult fun can just as easily mean hijacking jumping castles with a nice diet coke (that’s a REALLY bad example….).

Tax payers day. Now, if ever there were an inclusive day, this is surely it (unless you are one of the fortunate ones to live in a cave). Why not a day to celebrate all that hard earned money we work really hard for (when I used to work of course), or the exorbitant mark up on luxury items, that is then ripped away from us like a chocolate sundae at fat camp. This has honorary day written all over it…

Great inventions/inventors day. There are some inventions in the world that make our time on the planet much more pleasant, and although we may every now and then acknowledge the brainchild behind them, do we really give their ingeniousness a second thought? I think not. So how about a special day to reflect on all these great people and their inventions that mean that we no longer need to empty last night’s curry into a backyard shallow grave, can see at night time without burning the house down, can stalk people without leaving your couch, can eat fresh produce picked 20yrs ago, and can emulate bronzed sun god/goddess (or carrot royalty…), without ever meeting the sun. Let’s here it for all the smarty pants people…..

There are probably a million more days we could celebrate, but this would require heaps more thinking on my behalf, and I’m not really up for that at the moment. I think I may have ‘useless brain activity fatigue’. Yes that is a real condition……I’m sure if you wikipedia it, you will be convinced…

As a diversion, I have just realised (and am perhaps still in shock…), that this is my last weekend in my 30’s……Hopefully next weekend I won’t be donning a short perm and drop waist dress….And if I am, I’m deleting this entire blog somehow (might need my computer nerd friends for this…), and starting again…..

Unfortunately, today was not a particularly ‘special’ day, although it has been a great day in every unproductive area you can imagine…and I’m ok with that. I can’t be finding the cure to human idiocy every day!!! Since there are 365 days in these years, I think I can afford to waste a few……….

Fi

Week 12…..Day 3……Life……….Take two………………

Do you ever feel like you’re just playing a part in a really mediocre production called ‘life’, and that you unfortunately got some crap bit part???? No, me neither……..Ok, maybe sometimes just a little. I also feel as though I may have misinterpreted the script, and am not carrying out the director’s instructions as intended. Not that there’s anything wrong with B grade viewing…I guess…

Now, in this dodgy movie, my role seems to be absent from the main plot, and is instead caught up in all the superfluous sub plots that don’t contribute too much to the overall story line. Who needs all that extra pressure of academy award nominations anyway?? Surely there are awards for those flying under the radar, and content to observe life from afar as well???

Right, two paragraphs of really deep stuff (or crap…..fine line..). Time to reel it in and get down to the useless stuff……..like why my bobby pins are able to keep breeding, producing more than my hair could use in a lifetime, and why my clothes’ pegs haven’t learnt this skill, leaving my newly washed clothes stranded. Surely a government grant and some keen Phd student could figure this out? Are there particular birds with peg fetishes? Are my newly clean (and now overly confident), garments ingesting them? Are they committing suicide because I keep them locked up in a cold stark environment, and am not attentive in colour coding them with each clean item? More of life’s pressures………

I guess I have been quite reflective about life today, just for something different, and since I haven’t had much ‘jig saw’ time (refer previous post), in the last 24hrs, my mind is really going to town. Perhaps this is what happens when you’re about to enter a new decade??  Geez……turning 50 is going to be a real hoot……..

My reflections today have unfortunately been obsessed  with a particular fear of mine (yep, there are more…I must surely be up for some award at this rate…..). Getting.in.trouble. And entering adulthood is just the beginning……….Have I mentioned already that I’m not digging this whole adult caper?????

How come getting reprimanded and humiliated doesn’t stop when we’re old enough to ingest stuff that should supposedly give us the false bravado to do something about it? This is a rhetorical question and one that will just have to be shelved with why eating food off someone else’s plate doesn’t contain calories, and why cinemas haven’t invented silent food packaging……We clearly need more than one lifetime to deal with all of these hard hitting topics…..Although some of us aren’t doing a great job with this lifetime….

Getting in trouble……….too many opportunities……

*Come out of womb silent. Not good enough. Slap across bum. Scream you naughty human.

*Childhood. Don’t pick your nose. Don’t eat the lead paint off your toys. Don’t evacuate your contents on new persian rug. Don’t shove crayons up sibling’s nostrils. Don’t even think about getting any older…

*Adulthood. Don’t piss your boss off. Don’t dare forget parent’s wedding anniversary. Don’t hop on public transport without correct change. Don’t neglect your weekly exercise you lazy cow. Don’t you dare cut and colour your own hair. Don’t forget to floss. Don’t drink and drive you bloody idiot. Don’t you dare park here for more than 2 hours. Don’t let that virus completely destroy your computer. Don’t eat all of that. Don’t be neglecting your flu shots. Don’t be hating…………..

*Old age. Don’t come down to lunch without your teeth. Don’t keep referring to me as your daughter. Don’t wear your pyjama pants on your head……

Ok, point made. No matter what stage of life, there is always someone around who wants to improve, change or stop what you are currently doing…….I’m not always a fan of this ideology…….sometimes, you just want to say…LEAVE ME ALONE…..

Rant over. I will no doubt be getting in trouble for stuff till the end (the funeral directors will probably be offended by my open bar requests etc…..), and just need to learn some coping skills to deal with mr taxi driver yelling at me because I don’t carry cash.

On a more positive note, it is once again Friday night. The night that offers sooo much potential and disappointment all in one easy to swallow capsule. Surely I can escape getting in trouble tonight???? As long as the housework police aren’t making random calls, I think I’m on easy street….

So another day headed towards the new 30’s (this idea obviously invented by some very optimistic 40yr old on acid….), and thinking up more ways to avoid getting in trouble………I don’t have time for a job……..

Fi